.....::::: Pabila Tutur Diaturi Minda : Diari Kak Lis :::::.....

Amusing, Abusing, Amazing Anecdote

2006-03-18T03:43:00.000+08:00

"You Are: An empty vessel so full of yourself and your confidence are at the wrong places almost all of the time. In reality you deny almost every criticism lashed at you and shun off the 'smart people' putting you down, even if it is for the better of your aggravating sorry state. I pity your efforts in upholding your all-natural hypocrisy and heavy pretence.

"You Bring: Shame on your own beliefs for your profanities are too bountiful too assent as they automatically fit and reflect on your sickening character, let alone having your masked personality enduring your limited wits. Shallowness and superficial thoughts bestow your misused brain and you are undeniably grasping for popularity in ur own clouded depthless intention.

"You Show: Vulnerability in pulling imaginary comradeship to defend your exposed patheticness and weakness. You strongly refuse to face your sorrowful truth and accept reality. Grab a life, even if it means just a pinch of its salt before your created fiction gets the better of you. So sorry is your current state that I am beginning to feel pity, on you.

"You Know: Nothing about our adulthood and your thoughts are typical of a lame show-off. Your difference perhaps is you do not contain anything to brag about in the first place. Not original. Plastic and mostly cheap immitations and copies of others' work. You tried so hard to excel and be outstanding when in actual fact...

"You Are: An outcast. Not special though you are not normal. Not unique though you are one of a kind. A kind that reeks of a simple term called ignorance."

I am: A simple someone you may label as your greatest fear, just maybe, for things I do and already had done, might have authorities coming for you for the lies you put me through.

Happy blogging. Now I am heading over to Acik's latest entry. And oh ya! Don't forget to check Acik out as he parades his feminine side in The Moojik Times.

Note: The "quote" is an extracted write from someone you readers might know (perhaps from the style of writing) but it is definitely not mine. I find it insult done in it's most beautiful form. The author, however, wished to remain anonymous but gave consent to it being published.

My comment that will never be published

2006-03-03T01:45:00.000+08:00

Dearie, this is for you :-

Hello girl, u can publish my name coz I don't fucking care either. Stupid jabroni. BTW, I'm not the only one who so-called pissed u off. Go and scrutinise the comments and then come talk to me dearie. At least, I dare put my name when I commented that you are an attention-seeker. You should give me the credit for being upfront and direct. Get it.. get it? I doubt u do...

Sincerely,
Kak Lis

Biadap

2006-02-15T18:52:00.000+08:00

Kehadapan Perempuan,

Kau masih terlalu keanak-anakkan. Janganlah terlalu menunjukkan kewanitaanmu, kerana kau belum lagi capai kematangan yang perlu kau miliki. Aku tidak buta atau bodoh. Aku masih lagi boleh melihat persekitaran ku. Walaupun aku diam dan masih tersenyum, tidak bermakna kejalangan kau tidak tertangkap oleh ku. Untuk pengetahuan kau, si budak kecil, segala kelakuan dan tindak laku kau, sudah aku coretkan satu persatu di nota minda. Tidakkah kau diajar tentang menghormati orang lain? Hormatilah kewujudan dan kehadiran seseorang di hadapan mu, jika engkau ingin dihormati juga. Kau belum lagi mengenal aku. Itu adalah peluang yang pertama dan terakhir.

Kehadapan Wanita,

Aku pernah memberitahu, meluah dan mengongsi isi hati ku dengan engkau. Dengarkah engkau akan itu? Aku pernah dikatakan tidak tahu menjaga hati seorang teman. Engkau pula bagaimana? Tidak mungkin ini kesat bagi kau, kerana engkau juga sama seperti aku. Ini nasihat ku, rasakan dahulu ketukan kepala kau di dinding, sebelum kau menghantukkan kepala aku. Yang itu adalah terakhir yang patut ku lihat.

********************

Aku tidak cemburu ataupun iri hati. Aku marah akan kesempatan yang diambil engkau. Aku juga mungkin ada berbuat salah terhadap engkau, tetapi bolehkah engkau fikir sedalam-dalam mana ceruk yang harus kau fikir, pernah tak sekali aku berbuat begini terhadap engkau? Aku dengan penuh sungguh akan berkata, aku tidak pernah pun sekali melakukan yang sedemikian pada engkau. Fikir sahabat, fikirlah engkau selagi mampu. Dia pun sudah tidak lagi serasi dengan keadaan begini. Aku bukannya baik mana yang patut menasihati yang lain, cuma selagi aku rasa itu salah di mata aku, akan aku terus buktikan sentimen ku.

Acceptance is By Choice

2006-02-11T22:27:00.000+08:00

A Chinese lady, looked less than 20 years old said, "We, Singaporeans, are tolerating each other and not understanding each other well enough," on national tv. Definitely there was some truth there and it set me thinking, we, Singaporeans, who had lived together for the past God-knows-how-many-years with different races, religions and culture, are still tolerating?

The words tolerate/tolerating/tolerance , in my opinion, are negative words in Singapore context. Tolerance is actually a time bomb ticking itself minute by minute, second by second and once it goes off, there'll be no turning back.

A story about Tolerance :
Imagine, a newly wed couple, both husband and wife came totally from different backgrounds. The husband, after using the toothpaste, did not put the cap back on and on top of that, he did not press from the base to get the toothpaste out. The wife, not shocked but, was irritated by the fact of the dented look, as she was used to practise the base-pressing. The wife tolerated that habit for 5 years and the tolerance snowballed. It became too much for her and divorce was the final call.

Yes, you might say it is petty. You might say it is nonsensical. Yes, this is true. This was one of the reasons for some divorce cases. The example I gave above, might be resolvable and both parties can actually come to a decision. If only the wife voiced it out earlier, the husband might pick up the "base-pressing" technics in squeezing the paste from its tube. If the wife could have just accepted the habit, it might have saved the marriage.

A story about Acceptance:
A mother raised a son (I'm not a sexist, but showing a son as an example is clearer). She cared for him. Fed him, bathed him and sang lullabies to him. He grew up to be a criminal. He was put behind bars for 5 years. The mother visited him every now and then. She never fail to show her motherly love. Done with the 5 years, the son got out. There, the mother stood in the sun or rain. They both headed for a place they called home.

Which mother never did care for her children? Which mother never did breastfeed her babies? Every mother will definitely accept her children, be it good or bad. Her children might be drug addicts, she-males or even conceiving babies out of wedlock, but she will still embrace them as she would do when they were born years ago.

I wonder, what are the uses of field trips, organised by the RC committee or the community clubs/centres, to Chinese or Hindu temples and Muslim mosques? What are the results of inviting the Indians and Malays to Chinese dinners, organised by the said organisers? Are we really making use of that opportunity to get to know each other's culture/ religion? Are we really taking that advantage to understand and accept one another? I think all of us are not doing so, else the lady won't be saying that on national tv. Are we not wasting the organisers' effort?

I sincerely do not believe that we are still at that stage of tolerating. We are multi-racial/ multi-religion community for a very, very long time, and yet we are still tolerating one another, as said by the young lady? This is, in fact, sad. Maybe I am oblivious to things around me. I cannot see the tolerance said by the lady. Maybe, it is time for us to learn the word acceptance. Here, I call out to all of you, Chinese, Indians, Malays, Eurasians, Christians, Hindus, Buddhists, Taoists, Muslims and all of you Singaporeans, to give ourselves a chance to learn to accept each other. After all, acceptance is by choice.

Note from Kak Lis:
This is definitely not a racist entry. This entry is not trying to spark any anger splint in anyone's heart. This entry is for ALL of us to reflect and really think what we had done to make Singapore a better place for every single one of us. Do spend some time to sit back and read. Definitely, every one of us makes a difference. Let it start with ourselves.

Cerita Derma

2006-02-09T13:09:00.000+08:00

v. vol·un·teered, vol·un·teer·ing, vol·un·teers v. tr.
- To give or offer to give voluntarily: volunteered their services; volunteer to give blood. v. intr.
- To perform or offer to perform a service of one's own free will.
- To do charitable or helpful work without pay

Makna dalam melayunya, sesungguhnya tak memberi makna sebab itu aku gunakan bahasa Inggeris.

Kenapa sukarelawan² yang meminta derma di tempat awam suka sangat "membuat" muka ataupun menyindir apabila kita tak mahu menderma, terutamanya sukarelawan melayu yang meminta dari orang melayu sendiri? Ini bukan pertama kali yang pernah aku alami, malahan dah berulang kali.

Dahulu kalanya, aku selalu menderma tanpa mendengar hujah ataupun cerita/nasib/ratapan sukarelawan² itu, tetapi sejak aku tahu mereka dibayar dan mereka ada mendapat sedikit "wang penat" atau lebih dikenali sebagai, commision, aku membuat keputusan untuk tidak menderma. Alasanku, mereka hipokrit. Mereka selalu mengenalkan diri mereka sebagai sukarelawan itu ini. Seperti yang tertera di atas, sukarelawan atau volunteer, adalah mereka yang memberikan khidmat tanpa bayaran. Jikalau mereka yang sebenar-benarnya sukarelawan, kenapa mereka perlukan commision? Ternyata, mereka tidak memikirkan tentang mereka yang betul² memerlukan.

Berbual pasal kerja sukarelawan ini, boleh tak kalau aku katakan negeri ini mengamalkan buruh kanak-kanak, iaitu child labour, jika kita berpandukan yang sukarelawan² mendapat comission? Kita semua tahu, pengakap/pandu puteri ataupun sukarelawan pelajar tidak ada commision. Mereka melakukan semua dengan percuma. Terus terang aku katakan, cuma dengan kumpulan ini sahaja aku berani menderma tanpa rasa bersalah.

Aku ada dengar cerita, salah satu ketua Darul Ihsan tidak lagi berjawatan di sana, malah posisi itu telah pun ~~disandung~~ disandang oleh yang lain. Ceritanya adalah RAHSIA. Darul Ihsan juga mengamalkan pengutipan derma tiap² tahun. Mereka menggunakan anak² yatim(piatu) untuk melakukannya. Mungkin muka anak² yatim ni kesian sangat lah kan. Harap maklum, itu pendapat aku. Kita patut tanya pada diri sendiri, kita tolong orang atas dasar apa. Atas dasar ikhlas ataupun perlukan bantuan di hari muka. Waktu kerja mengutip derma hampir tiba, telinga aku berdesing apabila mantan ketua itu berkata, aku lupa apa yang dikatakan tetapi sedikit lebih kurang begini, "Kita dah banyak tolong awak semua. Tiap² bulan kasi duit. Sekarang giliran awak pulak tolong kita. Kembalikan pertolongan yang kami beri." Mungkin waktu itu aku belum lagi mengenal diri yang suka bertindak balas, jadi aku diamkan diri. Memang terhutang budi. Memang mereka menolong. Kenapa harus dituntut? Ikhlas ke pertolongan itu? Bukan tak nak membalas, memang ada niat, tetapi kenapa harus dituntut budi itu? Aku mulai menanyakan niat mereka.

Kepada si Abang rambut kaler-kaler semalam, anggaplah diri anda bertuah kerana saya tak ajak anda duduk dan berceramah pada anda. Nanti saya takut, anda tak terjawab persoalan saya. Janganlah menyindir orang awam ataupun saya kalau tidak mahu menderma kerana anda adalah muka bagi persatuan itu. Tak ke buruk nanti kalau anda mendapat aduan yang boleh menjatuhkan nama baik anda.

Just A Perspective From A Viewer

2006-01-29T15:39:00.000+08:00

Pardon my language, tone and choice of words. I am just a viewer and an audience and I have my rights to comment and give my views.

Yes, I won't deny it was the free ticket that encouraged me to go and not a single cent came from my little pocket. Nevertheless, that is not a ticket to deny me from having to enjoy a flawless performance. I went to a concert last night, 28 January 2006. It was supposed to be a tribute to TWO known influential men. They are Dato' Ahmad Nawab and Dato' DJ Dave. In fact, I find it a joke played on them.

I was told last minute that it was supposed to start at 19:30 SGT, so Zila and me made our way quickly into the concert hall. We managed to get in at 19:45 SGT and seats are not even 50% full. Ooops, I forgot about the fact it was a Malay organisation, so it was a janji melayu. Maybe concerts are supposed to start late. Mind you, it was my first indoor concert, so kind of like a virgin and expected something good. I expected GOOD and not even extravagant. I already had my expectations that low and still I did not manage to enjoy a flawless show. No doubt, I enjoyed finding faults here and there; practically everywhere whenever there was a loophole.

Armed with a pen and a little 3-inch black notebook, I managed to scribble in the dark, at least, 9 points which I want to write here. Here they are:-

It started late. To be exact, 19:56 SGT, when it was supposed to start at 19:30 SGT. Imagine someone wants to catch both Dato'(s) at 19:30 SGT and since it is a 2-hour event, so assuming the event will end at 21:30 SGT, he could catch another appointment that could affect his rice bowl. FYI, it ends nearly 23:00 SGT.
Too many short breaks caused me to lose my poise and patience. Being the restless and motormouth me, I started to be ME! There were too many short breaks. It wasn't flawless at all. After a performance was over, no voiceover to inform the audience what was next. The host appeared slightly after 30 seconds later. The host is my Abang's favourite, Jalalludin Hassan. Yes, he was entertaining although a little "blur", not knowing what he was saying, which later I found out, he was doing everything without a script and spontaneously. No, not that he wasn't prepared. No one knew what was the itinerary.
I believe there was no promotion, marketing or advertising done for this. When the show started, the concert hall was just 60% full or less. Frankly, I don't know about this event until on Thursday, 26 January 2006, when they started to look for backup singers, which my Abang gladly took it up, hence the free tickets.
There was no co-ordination among the floor personnels. Totally ZERO. The host, Jalalludin Hassan, asked for TWO chairs. He specifically announced he needed TWO chairs, one for him and one for Dato' Ahmad Nawab. There was a floor personnel at the corner of the stage, but he did not even acknowledge Jalalludin Hassan's request. He practically talked to I-don't-know-who and ignored the request. Mind you, Jalalludin Hassan made the announcement for FIVE times. How (fill in your own words) is that? I can see clearly how pissed he was on stage looking at the ignorant floor personnel. Then the chairs came, a while later. Can't you even acknowledge his request? At least, a right hand up to show you understood. Do you have to break a leg to raise your right hand? The sad thing is, both Dato' Ahmad Nawab and Jalalludin Hassan stood there waiting for the chairs. I felt sad.
Despite not given the itinerary and not knowing some stupid jabroni boys backed out from performing last minute, he entertained me. He just has it. He is funny, and I forgave him for buying time for the performers to be ready. I want to believe he is a professional in his work. Reason being : Despite not having the itinerary or know what was to come next, he managed to smile all throughout the whole event and he did not pull out. That is being professional. Suck that, Anugerah Boys! What? It is your management's decision? Do I look like I want to know what is going on back there? Blame your management then.
Okay, I don't mind if we are in a table and there are PJs. But I personally think, it is not really good to have it on stage. Being me, I can figure that out instantly. Well, unless if you want it to be made known to public, my advice is keep it for later when both of you are alone. I apologise not being able to reveal what the joke was. I believe it is very personal, unless you experience it for yourself. Haha. I'm still thinking of my PJs at International Plaza yesterday between Abang, Zila, Nonet and me. Sorry PJ again. I can't reveal.
I am extremely surprised. At 59, he is still slim like he was 30 years ago. He is still agile like he was a 21-years old. He put on a good performance and I guess that was the only segment I enjoyed. He danced well for a 59. On top of that, I enjoyed the back up singers' dancing. They look quite like penguins. With black and white theme, I thought I saw penguins dancing with mics. The 59 year old I am talking about is none other than Dato' DJ Dave. He actually made an effort to go to the 2nd level of the concert hall to be with his ecstatic female fans.
Singapore audiences are boring! Nasser Wahab squatted and reached out his hand to you and you sat there and wave(read as : NO, I don't want) your hand. Hello???!! He made an effort to do that. He squatted like for a minute, reaching out his hand to you and you sat there like a moron. Don't you have the least courtesy to be applied to another human? So much about being a Malay having the etiquette, courtesy and culture. Do we have a course about basic courtesy?
Pardon this para, as I believe this is going to be long. I can't believe these makciks can comment on girls being very mentelon, terkinja-kinja, menggelitis and whatever to describe a monkey's agility, when in actual fact, in front of my very own eyes, they can actually jump up and down, danced and pranced like a teenager in HRC and even barked, cheered, howled and yelled in the concert hall. Shame on you aunties, calling the girls' kettles black when the base of your pots are blackened due to continous cooking. Don't tell me you did not mirror yourself prancing like that before coming to the concert? Oh, you did? So you will actually look good on stage? You look really familiar dancing up there, errrmm, where did I actually see you? Ah, now I recall. It was you whom I met at the Marina's MacDonalds when I was having a quick bite with my colleague before making my way there. Aren't you the one so-called giving the teenagers a chance being themselves and asking for a SGD 20,000 dowry for marriage? Who are you to ask for that? The mother of your daughter? Are you selling your daughter? Does your daughter had her clit embedded with gems and precious stones and metals, which is why you are asking for that SGD 20,000 dowry? No, I'm not going to apologise if this SGD 20,000 dowry thingy hurt anyone. Ok, I am digressing. BTW, you pranced like monkey. Adults and kids are laughing at your monkey antics. I am being rude? Rude is point 8. Hafiz A'sari, read this, you dare to make comments about minah bertudung do this and that, can you write similar about these makciks? Yes, this is a dare! BTW, me no teenager. I'm in my mid-twenties.

To the organisers :
This is definitely not a tribute. It is just another avenue, which you thought, it could generate some revenue and get some facelift for your so-called portfolio. A tribute my ass! You can't even co-ordinate with your staffs. No itinerary was given to anyone. It was all ad-hoc. You practically have no knowledge of event managing. Pardon? I'm not in the scene.. So I would not know how difficult it would be? If you know it is difficult, you won't even give a second thought to do it. Who are you kidding? Me? The viewer? If I can see obvious flaws, that means others can see it too. Maybe you would want to start a small time concert. Not this big one. Mind you, they are Dato'(s). I believe they don't get the title for a simple fuck or sodomy. Can you imagine what experience will they be bringing back to their homeland? What will be told? Yes, you can email me if you want or need to.

*******

He reached out his hand and grab mine palm's down. He explored and fondle my fingers, palm and wrist with such sensuous touch. I felt different. Am I thinking what he is thinking? With such subtleness, he stroked his finger on my palm. I felt seismic wave all over me. Does that show on my face? I believe it did. She saw the flirty move and my flushed portent face.

Appreciation To The Max

2006-01-24T00:48:00.000+08:00

I would likes to taking this opportunities to thanks my lovely lover of my live. He is the bestest of the best that I has ever have and I wanting so very much to tells him that I love him to the every heart of my soul.

He is none other than the cutest of the fattest and the fattest of the cutest,

Mr Aridewa!

I loves you, my Abang! Muaaaahhhcckkkkzzz!

Awak.. Awak..

2006-01-06T23:39:00.000+08:00

Awak.. awak,
Bukan kita tak nak pegi sekolah
Tapi kita takot keadaan sana tak sama macam kat rumah

Awak.. awak,
Bukan kita takot ngan cekgu
Tapi kita takot cekgu tak leh terima kita jadi pelajar

Awak.. awak,
Kita tak takot ngan cekgu besar
Cuma kita selalu dengar cekgu besar tu garang,
Abes tu suka marah marah

Awak.. awak,
Kita memang nak pegi sekolah
Sebab dia orang cakap kat sekolah boleh belajar
Boleh tahu pasal bende lain
Boleh buat kawan ramai
Boleh belajar sains
Kita suka sains
Sebab kita boleh buat esperimen

Awak.. awak,
Banyak kawan kawan kita kan, dah pegi sekolah
Tapi kita masih kat rumah
Kita suka main kat bawak blok
Kita suka main police and thieves
Bukan.. bukan.. bukan cerita kat channel 5 tu lah

Awak.. awak,
Kita belom bersedia nak pegi sekolah lah
Kita suka kita macam gini sekarang
Tapi kita akan pegi sekolah jugak
Tengoklah.. satu hari nanti kita pegi sekolah jugak

Awak.. awak,
Kita tido dulu eh
Selamat malam

Setahun Berlalu Lagi

2006-01-05T14:00:00.000+08:00

Setenang aku hari ini, aku harapkan kamu semua tenang dengan yang ada.

Berlalu pergi 2005, datangnya ia 2006. Pencapaian 2005 ku tidak semua dapat ku tunaikan. Mungkin hanya 40% sahaja. Yang sisanya aku padamkan di akhir satu suku 2005, kerana ku tahu tidak akan dapat terlaksana. Ku tahu yang ingin dicapai itu terlalu sukar untuk dikerjakan. Tidak dapat juga aku tempatkannya di rencana 2006.

Menulis aku disini, dengan cara tidak sengaja, memberi ku peluang untuk membuat ringkasan hidup aku di 2005. Sesungguh sungguhnya hambar, pudar dan membosankan. Ku kenali diri sendiri yang rupanya lemah dari segala semua pandangan. Baik dari mata ku sendiri mahupun dari mereka yang ada disekeliling. Ku juga kenali teman, kawan, sahabat dan kenalan dengan lebih akrab. Ternyata 2005 banyak membuahkan kenangan yang bertaut di dahan rendang.

Seperti selalu yang pernah ku nyatakan, manusia berubah mengikut peredaran zaman. Haruskah aku menuding jari terhadap zaman kerana merubahkan manusia? Ataukah aku yang seharusnya belajar menelan realiti kehidupan?

Suku pertama 2005, ku kehilangan kedua-dua ninda yang dahulunya menjaga ku dengan penuh tekun. Ditimang, dikendong, dikucup, disayang, ditatang dan dilimpahi kasih yang mengalir bak air di Niagara Falls. Kenangan manis akan sentiasa berombak di mata. Kenangan pahit ku tolak ke tepi. Memang pedih kalau dapat dilihat mereka sekarang. Masih pahit lagi. Moga mereka ditempatkan di sisi mereka yang dirahmati Allah. Al-Fateha.

Kenalan yang ku fikir berpandangan terbuka, jujur dan suka berterus-terang tanpa berselindung di sebalik topeng hitam, rupanya adalah seorang yang kerap menyimpan dendam dan lebih suka mendiamkan diri dari berdepan dengan yang dihadapi. Mungkinkah juga zaman dan pengalaman merubahkannya? Ataupun segan dan malu untuk berdepan dengan ku? Ketahuilah kau, bukan sejarah kau yang merubah persepsi ku, tetapi sikap kau yang tidak mahu berdepan dengan kenyataan yang membuat ku jelek terhadapmu.

Sahabat yang ku tetapkan di papan tulis minda ku, kini berubah menjadi lebih cenderung terhadap alam yang akan dilaluinya nanti. Aku menjadi bingung, kerana aku tidak lagi kenali dirinya. Tidak mungkin dia berubah, kerana dialah orang yang terakhir di senarai kecil ku yang akan berubah buat masa terdekat ini. Aku tetap sabar untuk diingatinya.

Jemari aku pantas menaip akan mereka yang berubah. Kemungkinan besar bukan mereka, tetapi aku yang berubah mengikut aliran zaman. Satu persatu helaian mahkota ku gugur, tetapi tidak pernah patahnya semangat untuk terus hidup. Berpetak petak yang tidak terlihat oleh ku, masih juga mampu ku tersenyum bahagia. Masih lagi bermain di benak, akankah putih aku esoknya. Syukur yang tak terhingga kepadaNya, yang aku masih mampu menapak langkah di dunia.

Ku doakan kamu semua berbahagia. Ku doakan tercapainya hajat yang dicoretkan di minda kalian. Ku doakan kamu semua selamat di 2006. Ku juga doakan yang kamu mendoakan yang aku akan senantiasa di sini dan masih lagi mampu menaip sepatah dua di alam siber ini.

Akhir kata dari ku, setahun pergi meninggalkan diri bukan bermakna yang lalu tidak diingati. Jadikan pengalaman lalu satu pelajaran dan jangan diulangi yang jahat dan yang membinasakan diri.

Terpanah Oren

2005-12-17T04:37:00.000+08:00

Bila pun wewarna tujuh menyingkap sisa-sisa siang,
Hujan akan terhenti dan lena seketika mengangguk letih,
Dikerumuni awan yang hampir pulang ke syurga,
Mentari yang tunduk sempat menyalakan senyum,
Sebelum ansur tugas ke dunia sebalik waktu.

Bila pun hidungku menitiskan kelengitan nafas,
Dahagaku kian kering terkilankan air,
Mataku asyik terpejam di dalam jaga,
Tubuh diselumuti panas yang muram,
Aku akan tetap bersenandung lagu...

Menghadiahkan nya dengan harum,
Mendakapi nya dengan senyum,
Menghirupi aroma nya bagai bunga,
Dia lah yang aku tercinta...

... Terus-terang 'Aku' katakan yang ini semua gara-gara 'Aku' yang pantas menyaboh orang!
'Aku' bukan 'Dia'. Antara 'Aku' dan 'Dia', 'Aku' adalah 'Aku'...

'Dia' dipanah oren 'Aku'...

Yang benar,
'Aku'

NV

2005-12-05T11:48:00.000+08:00

Aku mula mengenalinya sejak di bangku sekolah rendah lagi. Pada masa itu, kami hanya kenalan biasa; setakat menanyakan khabar masing-masing. Ketika aku tidak mengenali erti kasih, persahabatan dan cinta, aku berkawan dengannya. Aku ditemaninya sewaktu dalam keresahan, ketidakpuashatian dan ketika aku tiada kepercayaan di dalam diri.

Terkenang ku semasa umur ku baru sahaja mencecah lapan tahun, aku keinginan sebiji patung Barbie. Keinginan itu sungguh memberangsangkan pabila aku mendapat tahu sepupu ku ada sebiji yang seperti ku mahu, tetapi apakan daya ibu bapa ku tidak setuju akan cadangan ku untuk mendapatkan satu. Aku didampinginya di dalam keresahan itu. Kenalan yang setia memberikan pujukan walaupun ku tahu ku tak akan dapat memiliki sebiji patung Barbie.

Setelah ku menjejakkan kaki ke alam sekolah menengah, aku tidak dihubunginya lagi. Malah, tiada perkhabaran langsung darinya. Aku menjalani hidup dengan biasa; dengan penuh bahagia. Aku tidak menyedari ketiadaannya ketika itu. Mungkin aku terlalu taksub untuk memulakan hidup baru. Hidup yang aku ingin bina sendiri tanpa kehadirannya.

Sejak dewasa ini, kenalan yang ku fikir telah lama menyepi, yang telah lama menyendiri dan yang aku anggap sudah berkubur, menghubungi aku lagi. Malah, aku akui, kami bukan setakat kenalan, tetapi teman belangkas. Kebelakangan ini, kami selalu berdua. Kemana sahaja kaki ku menuju dan apa sahaja yang aku ingin lakukan, aku selalu didampinginya. Tak pernah sekali pun, aku ditinggalkan begitu. Walaupun ku tahu diriku berteman, walaupun ku tahu ku tidak akan keseorangan, aku takut akan akibatnya. Akibat yang terlalu berat untuk ku ataupun orang disekelilingi menanggung. Aku amat gerun jika aku terus berkawan dan terus menjalinkan persahabatan yang terlalu akrab. Kadangkala di masa aku hanya berdua-duaan dengannya, hasutan demi hasutannya meracuni minda ku. Mulanya dari minda dan terus ke hati. Aku tahu aku tak seharusnya memakan hasutan-hasutan itu, tetapi aku hanya insan biasa yang seperti patung di dalam alam Barbie; jika tangan kiri ku digerakkan ke kiri, bergeraklah tangan kiri aku itu. Sudah berkali ku katakan padanya supaya tinggalkan sahaja diri ku dan lupakan ku. Aku memang sudah tahu jawapannya. Dia akan senantiasa di sini, mendampingi ku dan menemani ku dan takkan berganjak pergi. Aku sendiri di dalam dilemma antara realiti dan mimpi. Aku mula memendam sifat yang tidak ingin ku berhasrat. Makin hari, makin rapat, makin akrab. Makin hari, makin dihasut, makin termakan. Makin hari, makin benci, makin berdendam.

Ku perkenalkan seorang kenalan yang telah menjadi teman akrab ku... NV...

Belenggu Minda Kesempitan Hati

2005-12-03T18:23:00.000+08:00

Bertatih ku masih,
Hingga kini tidak tersampai tujuannya.

Berjumpa ku belum,
Kepercayaan masih di perbatasan.

Keinginan melebihi yang sebenarnya,
Amarah dendam berkobar mendalam.

Sepahit-pahit hempedu yang ditelan,
Pahit lagi tusukan kata-kata yang tertera.

Berdiam ertinya benar?
Atau berdiam disebabkan celaan terhampar di hujung lidah?
Apakah perlu membuktikan segala?
Di mana terletak harga sayangnya?

What is the point?

2005-11-29T14:05:00.000+08:00

What is the point of training when you can't even apply what was taught last saturday?

What is the point of having a 3-5 years of experience in helpdesk environment when you still don't know the basic or simple rules of troubleshooting?

What is the point of being paid a huge paycheck as a so-called "expat" when you can't even deliver a simple job? I'm talking about a JOB not a CAREER!

What is the point being a trainer for soft skills when you can't even apply what you are trained for and having a bloody cert for it?

What is the point having a position named, "Technical Specialist" when all you do is just answer phone calls like a receptionist? Might as well, you be one!

What is the point trying to act smart and complaining about your peers not doing their jobs, when in actual fact you are one of them? Pot calling the kettle black!

What is the point of you working here when I have to teach you how to do your job, when I can be one, like you and earn as much as you, especially when you are earning an "expat's" salary?

I just can't understand why you are hired as a Technical Specialist in a technical helpdesk environment when you can't even troubleshoot? I am talking about the first level troubleshooting, which is basic and should be able to execute by ANY technical helpdesk agent, especially when the agent has been in the environment for SO MANY years. Just what is your problem? You are being paid to do that, for God's sake. Can't you at least have a 0.001% initiative to do the troubleshooting. Kindly (read as : DO IT!) ask for the error message. As a technical helpdesk agent, I believe that asking for the error message is always the priority whenever the end-user had already said he/she is having issues with certain things. Why aren't you doing this? Is it so hard? Does your throat feel like someone's choking you with their bigfoot's hands? Is it? Is it? Yes, I'm so emotional that I can kick someone so hard in the groin! Why is it so difficult for you to do that? And I repeat it again, you are in the helpdesk environment for bloody years! Sometimes, I do wonder what you are bullshitting in your resume! You people piss me off BIG TIME!

Kelakar Kan?

2005-11-16T13:46:00.000+08:00

Kelakar kan, bila kita dapat tahu mereka yang selalu berbual WORLD, sebenarnya tidak dapat membuktikan ke-world-an mereka?

Kelakar kan, bila kita dapat tahu mereka yang suka mengutuk/mencaci seseorang itu telah pun menjadi teman/kawan/sahabat pada orang yang telah dikutuknya tempoh hari?

Kelakar kan, dengan secara tiba² mereka memuji yang pernah mereka kutuk dahulu?

Kelakar kan, orang² yang lawa² belaka dan stylo milo dinosaur akan berkawan dengan mereka yang antara nya :

lawa dan stylo macam mereka jugak
stylo milo tapi tak lawa
lawa tapi tak stylo milo

Kelakar kan, mereka yang mengutuk kutu internet telah pun menjadi kutu internet dengan cara sengaja atau tidak. Part ni aku boleh elaborate, tapi rasanya tak payah lah, sebab nanti ada kutu internet yang tak suka, seperti si polan, si anu, si dektu, si kat, si am, si lat.. etc.

Kelakar kan, aku masih berkawan dengan mereka² yang dikatakan seperti di atas?

Yang lagi kelakar, apa pasal lah aku masih nak berkawan dengan mereka walaupun dulu masa aku menghulurkan salam persahabatan, aku dah suspect mereka macam gini?

Ah, memang diri sendiri yang nak, kau jangan nak salahkan orang lain! Bodoh! Lain kali, tak nak kawan, angkat kaki sua~!

Takdir Penentu Segala

2005-10-19T13:41:00.000+08:00

Tidak dapat ku percepatkan kemahuan hati. Terlalu banyak aspek yang terbelengkalai, yang masih belum diselesaikan. Namun rasa terkilan tidak dapat ku nafi, walau diri tampak tenang tanpa kehadirannya. Cemburu kah aku? Entah.. Mungkin... Berbohong aku untuk menenangkan hati sendiri. You are in denial....

JANGGAL

2005-09-15T18:06:00.000+08:00

Ku rasa janggal. Semua serba tak kena. Kenapa?

Ku rasa sedih, tapi tidak tertitis air mata. Kenapa?

Ku rasa lelah. Ingin ku rebahkan tubuh di lantai. Kenapa?

Kenapa begitu sekali yang aku rasa? Sudah ke senja?

Jantungku belum lagi memundurkan kelajuan. Masih pantas. Sakit.

Lama Sungguh

2005-04-16T15:16:00.000+08:00

Lama sungguh tak ditulis. Sesungguhnya, tidak ada topik perbualan ataupun sebarang masalah di kepala yang besar ini. Harap jangan dicacinya aku.

;)

Gangguan Minda

2005-03-02T01:01:00.000+08:00

Aku sesungguhnya tak faham kenapa ramai sangat orang suka dengan Kumpulan DEWA sejak kebelakangan ini. Terfikir jugak, tertanya diri sendiri, adakah mereka itu yang sebenar-benarnya peminat DEWA ataukah sekadar ikut-ikutan. Mungkin aku terserkap jarang. Dan mungkin juga aku benar. Untuk pengetahuan umum, aku mengenali DEWA pada tahun 2002. Itupun dengan cara tak sengaja; dari perbualan dua orang teman aku sendiri. Barulah aku tahu DEWA itu wujud. Tapi masih tak mengenali ahli-ahli DEWA. Yang peliknya, tak pernah aku dengar mereka-mereka itu menyebut tentang DEWA, memperlihatkan kepada umum minat mereka terhadap DEWA dan lain-lain. Tetapi, berlainan pula dengan teman-teman aku sendiri, seperti Ari dan Arni. Aku terpaksa akui mereka memang peminat DEWA. Tiap kali bertemu, mesti 5 minit berbual topik DEWA.

Mungkin mereka-mereka itu tidak mahu memberitahu yang mereka adalah peminat DEWA. Maklumlah, they want to stay anonymous, agaknya. Yang lagi sedih, mereka-mereka itu dapat pergi ke konsert DEWA di Fort Canning hari itu, tetapi Ari dan Arni tidak dapat pergi. Tapi kan, lagi sedih kalau aku tahu mereka-mereka itu pergi konsert DEWA, adalah sebenarnya, pengikut trend generasi zaman sekarang. Kesiankan pada peminat DEWA yang sebenar-benarnya, yang tidak dapat pergi ke konsert itu. My heart goes to you both, Ari and Arni. Dulu masa DEWA tak popular di Singapura, nama DEWA pun susah nak sebut. Sekarang, ah kau, semua lagu pun diaorang hafal. Mungkin juga, aku ni selalu cari kesalahan orang tak? Apa yang aku nampak dia orang cuma tahu lagu-lagu dari Album Laskar Cinta, album DEWA terkini.

Cuma Yang Termampu

2005-02-14T06:47:00.000+08:00

Tidak mampu aku melenakan mata sepanjang malam. Cuma yang mampu, memikirkan dapur ku yang penuh dengan lubang dan corengan. Bertanya aku akan diri sendiri, apakah lagi ikhtiar yang dapat aku gunakan untuk menghilangkan bopeng-bopeng itu. Telah aku menampal lubang-lubang itu semua, tetapi dinding itu tidak seindah dahulu. Pernah juga ku cuba membersihkan corengan di dinding dapur dengan alkali yang terhandal, tetapi masih tidak berganjak coretan itu. Lubang-lubang dan corengan itu tetap degil, tetap kelihatan. Aku cuba menutupi semua itu dengan cat yang termahal di pasaran. Walaupun aku berjaya menyembunyikan semua itu, aku tahu di sebalik kesempurnaan dinding itu, ada kecacatan yang tidak mungkinkan hilang.

Ku fikir dengan mengubahsuaikan dapur ku, akan mengalihkan pandangan ramai. Telah ku pasang kabinet, jubin, bak cuci dan semuanya yang baru, tetapi naluri ku rasa bersalah. Aku masih lagi merasakan kekotoran dan bopeng-bopeng di dinding dapur ku. Cuma yang aku mampu, perasaan bersalah itu, ku tepis jauh dan mengambil iktibar dari kesilapan itu. Memang salah ku. Memang silap ku. Aku sendiri yang menebuk lubang. Aku juga yang menconteng dinding, tanpa berfikir jauh.

Sudah beberapa kalinya aku memasak nasi hingga menjadi bubur. Tidak dapat aku mundurkan tindakan ku itu. Cuma yang aku mampu, hanyalah, menyelerakan bubur itu untuk aku menjamahnya. Ku hiasi bubur itu dengan daun sup dan daun bawang. Ku bubuh cili padi dan kepingan daging ayam yang sudah masak. Enak bila dimakan. Mana dapat aku mengembalikan nasi dari bubur. Cuma yang termampu, aku harus tumpukan perhatian yang penuh tika mentanak nasi.

Hanya itu sahaja yang aku termampu.

Cahaya Semalam

2005-01-17T01:28:00.000+08:00

Mungkinkah,
Saat itu kembali lagi,
Mampukah,
Kita melayari kemanisan hidup,
Masihkah,
Cinta itu berteguh satu.

Aku tak bisa memberikan jawapan,
Aku juga tak bisa menentukan,
Aku takut,
Amat takut akan kebenaran.

Mahu aku mendakap,
Mahu juga aku memberikan bahagia,
Memang terlalu menginginkan,
Tapi bukan sekarang... bukan sekarang.

Maafkan aku,
Jika cahaya yang diimpikan,
Tidak akan datang lagi,
Tidak akan muncul kembali.

Maafkan aku,
Bukan pilihan ku,
Aku takut akan kebenaran itu.

Ada Apa Dengan Mu

2005-01-13T01:37:00.000+08:00

Errrmm... eeerrmmm... Akak tak tau nak cakap apa... :)

Ada makna di sebalik kekata.

Teringat lagu Peter Pan : "Ada apa dengan mu".

Nanti Tinkerbell buat lagu : "Aku OK".

Pas tu Captain Hook buat lagu plak : "OK apa.. Kan dokter kate kepale hotak dia dah rosak".

Masih Aku Bertatih

2004-12-26T04:54:00.000+08:00

Terkadang terfikir oleh ku, kewujudan ini tiada maknanya. Adakala jua terlintas di benak, adakah aku ini siluman. Tatkala mata membaca layaran mesra, hati mula bertanya kesangsian niat. Pabila kesangsian memuncak, terfikir oleh ku sekali lagi, sudahkah aku sampai ke sana? Nyatanya sudah jelas, tiada pertikaian antara minda dan hati. Terbuktilah, kepercayaan yang dimiliki masih bertatih. Kebanyakkan menyangkal walaupun mengetahui akan kebenarannya. Cuma segelintir menghargai cinta. Apakah pengakuan yang dibuat selama ini tidak diakui? Terfikir lagi, haruskah aku memulakan langkah pertama walhal mereka telah pun memulakan dahulu. Ataupun memang ia menjelekkan dan membosankan? Haruskah perjuangan mengekalkan nilaian dan kelayakan sayang diteruskan? Ataukah membisu dan membatu akan mengirangkan suasana aman sentosa? Sesungguhnya, belum sampai lagi ke destinasi yang dituju. Masih aku bertatih.

Lis.cio.us.ness

2004-12-25T06:25:00.000+08:00

... kesabaran menunggu adalah pahala bagimu.

Not The Best Yet

2004-12-21T17:20:00.000+08:00

I'm not the best. I knew it.

I'll be away for a few days. Sorry guys, I didn't inform you earlier. It is a last minute decision I took just now. Will be with some relatives for a short period. I won't be bringing my mobile with me. It will not be of any use, I foresee.

Till then.

JumTu

2004-12-19T01:53:00.000+08:00

Bosan. Sayu. Membisu. Keseorangan. Anaconda. Komputer. Televisyen. Mungkin. Salad Buah. Malas. Janggal. Menangis. Kehilangan. Chomel. SMS. Bantal. Rindu. Terasing.

Rintihan Putri

2004-12-15T02:59:00.000+08:00

Jatuh tersungkur tiada bersuara
Tangisan mengisi ruangan minda
Butakah hati
Hitamkah jiwa

Pupus segala penaklukan diri
Menjunam jauh ke lubuk rengsa
Ikhlaskah ehsanmu
Ataukah sekadar omongan dunia

Seperti gerigis terkadang dirasa
Seakan kerambit mencungkil isi
Menguit dan menguis perlahan-lahan
Menyambar yang lemah tiada bernyawa

Terhindik hati pabila kau menyuarakannya
Hanya nista yang terdengar di telinga
Namun naluri bertekad mencari sinar
Seperti lembayung akan tercapai akhirnya

Bukan Marah... Cuma Menyampah

2004-12-07T23:09:00.000+08:00

Simpan punya simpan, sampai dah tak leh simpan lagi!

First and foremost, STOP THE TAUFIK THINGY!
Enam bulan yang lalu, time dia tengah naik MRT, diri tepi pintu, main hengfong dia sorang-sorang, satu maknusia tak de pon nak pandang dia, termasok lah AKU!
Abis tu sekarang, nama dia dah naik, suara dia sedap, dia feveret semua orang. Sudahlah! Bila nama dah naik, baru nak pandang dia. Masa dia duduk dalam MRT, semua muka setongek bila pandang dia! PTTUUIII! Sorry sikit, aku tak jeles lah, cuma meluat dengan tindak-tanduk mereka-mereka.

Second, kalau orang tu belom lagi kahwin-kahwin, tu maknanya, JODOH DIA BELOM SAMPAI! Paham? Janganlah kau nak pergi tanya dia, bila dia peh turn. Buat kau orang yang ke-100 yang tanya, pipi kau akan disinggah oleh kelembutan tangan dia. AND YES! I'm talking about a WOMAN being asked when she is going to be married!

Third, aku paling pantang orang tolong angkat hengfong aku without permission aku. Stop that action at once! It is rude and invading of one's privacy. Tak payah lah nak eksyen jadi receptionist, aku tak de duit nak bayar gaji kau. Pi carik orang lain.

Fourth, kalau perpisahan itu dah berlalu kira-kira DUA tahun lebih yang lalu, maknanya it is over! Wake up your ideas! Jangan lah jadik PCK, read as PakCik Kepo, pergi bilang sana-sini yang ex-lover kau tu masih teringat-ingatkan kau, masih in love sama kau dan masih merindui kau sepanjang malam. Get it in you bloody thick skull, that, IT IS OVER AND DONE WITH! It has been 2 bloody years for God's sake. BTW, tell your Pak Jujats cliques to keep their traps shut, else someone will do it for them willingly!

Fifth, if you want to take my role, go ahead. But think it over, my role comes with LOTS OF RESPONSIBILITIES! I know you are doing well now, jangan bangga sangat. So u have says in everything, just because you are paying? Baru setakat bayar untuk beberapa bulan, dah tunjuk taring? Pikirlah, dulu pon kau harapkan aku jugak.

Sixth, kau cuba pikir balik semua orang yang pernah kau dampingi dan yang pernah kau menjadikan role model. Ada yang merokok tak? Ada kan? So PEROKOK masih boleh lagi menjadi ROLE MODEL! Dan dalam Islam pon tak melarang kaum Hawa dari menghisap rokok. Sedangkan yang berhijab di Timur Tengah ber-sheeshah, ni kan pula kita?

Seventh, tolong jangan nak match-make kan aku dengan sesapa. Sesungguhnya, hati belom terbuka nak ada spare part kat mana-mana. Tak payahlah, kau nak carikkan aku anak Dato' ke, anak RajaSinggam ke. Tak payah. Pandailah aku carik sendiri. Jangan nak jadi MCKs or PCKs. Kang nanti aku mogok, tak balik rumah, mencacah carik aku nanti! Yes, I'm with Ari, dan kalau suddenly ada perang kat rumah, aku tau lah sapa nak avoid berkawan. Anyways, bukannye korang kisah sangat aku jadik kawan korang, kan?

Ah kau! SEVEN aku kasi! SEVEN KA PAH DOK?

Me... Rebellious?

2004-12-04T01:34:00.000+08:00

Yes, I admit it. I am R-E-B-E-L-L-I-O-U-S!
No, I am not proud nor ashamed.
It is just me. My mom admitted it for me, long time back.
Let me trackback. I began to be rebellious since 2002.

ARI : Let it goooo!!!

CROWD : Hold on, Ari. Let her finish.

Thank you, my fans. Thanks for your supporting.
Back to the topic, I've been good, extremely good, that was before. But shit happens. I can't continue being good. But, I'm not saying that I'll be back. I mean, BAD. I know as a woman, I shouldn't be rebellious, but I can't help it. I know I've caused some people to be pissed at me, that includes Ari, Mom and some of you, and I'm really, really sorry about it.
I've tried to push that rebellious devil away from me. But it just keeps coming back and stay glued by my side.

ARI : Sendiri mau ingat ah kan!

CROWD : ARI! *All eyes on ARI, demanding him to keep his mouth shut*

I know very well the position of a woman. I know the duties of a woman. I know a woman's ego shouldn't be as high as a man's, but like I said, I can't help it. It is just like, an instant reaction from me. Take an instance, if you feel itchy, u scratch. It is just like that. *snaps her fingers*

ARI : Ah, alasan.

CROWD : Ari, the next word comes out from your mouth, we'll throw you out from this blog.

ARI : Wa tak gentar ah!

Only God knows, how hard I've tried. Sometimes, I feel I've not tried hard enough. Sometimes, I do feel, that is my best. But then again, how do I know, that is my best if I don't try again, right?

CROWD : Right!

*ARI is itching to say something. But he prefers to keep it first because he do not want to get thrown out.*

Being rebellious is not a good thing, for some reasons. I messed up my dates, I ruined my perfect days, I practically ruined my mood, even on the days I have perfectly good ones.

ARI : Bagus lah kau dah sedar sekarang!

*Without a word, the CROWD tried to carry ARI out of the blog, but he is so heavy like a rock, that they decided to scotch-tape his blabbering mouth and tie his hands. Well, he is a ROCKER, anyways.*

Sometimes I feel I started everything, sometimes I feel I didn't. Sometimes I wish I don't even start it at all. Sometimes, I wish I can just turn back the time. But, it had already been done, that rebellious devil had done its job. Damn that devil!

ARI : mmm...mmm..mmm..mmm..mmmm

Therefore, right here in this blog of mine, I shall make a promise, I will try my blardie very best not to be as rebellious as I used to be! Yes, all of you heard it.
I will try!

*The crowd goes wild and carry Kak Lis all over the blogspot.com and you can hear them chanting, "LONG LIVE, KAK LIS! LONG LIVE, KAK LIS! LONG LIVE, KAK LIS!" *

NARRATOR : You must be wondering what on earth happen to ARI. Well, he is still in the corner of this blog figuring how to untie himself. Why is he in a corner? Because he is a MAT ROCK who relek ONE CORNER!

Sometimes... Not Everytime

2004-12-03T01:19:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I feel my time is running out.
Sometimes, I thought I can do better than this.
Sometimes, I thought I can't write anymore.
Sometimes, I feel giving it a rest for a while.
Sometimes, I wish I'm not walking on this earth.
Sometimes, I hope I can always be happy.
Sometimes, I can't sleep well at nights.
Sometimes, I wish I can run away.
Sometimes, I thought I can do without it.
Sometimes, giving it time, I thought I'll regain it.
Sometimes, I am ok with it.
Sometimes, believing in myself is something I need most.
Sometimes, flying would be the best way to run from it.
Sometimes, I wish I can shoot others.
Sometimes, I just do not want it.
Sometimes, I'm just not comfortable with it.
Sometimes, I lose it.
Sometimes, I control it.
Sometimes, I thought I'm beautiful.
Sometimes, I feel ugly.
Sometimes, I thought I'm an animal.
Sometimes, I do not want to share.
Sometimes, I do feel selfish.
Sometimes... Not everytime.

She is

2004-11-04T21:15:00.000+08:00

Sick. Weak. Sleepy. Melancholic. Troubled.

Angry. Unappreciative. Heartless. Suspicious. Oblivious.

Want your blog to be famous?

2004-11-02T21:12:00.000+08:00

Yes! Want your blog to be famous? I have a few tips for u, or maybe you might have known about it. These are the ways to catch people's eyes and minds.

Tips to MAKE SURE that your blog will never be read, they are...

Good luck trying folks!

Bayangkannya

2004-11-01T01:37:00.000+08:00

Usah berkata
Bayangkan sahaja
Tika kita bersama
Bergembira
Berbisik manja
Bertepuk mesra

Bayangkannya
Jika ku tiada disampingmu
Tika kau bersedih pilu
Tika kau bermuram durja
Tika ku tiada di situ untuk
Meleraikan kekusutan minda mu

Bayangkannya
Saat ku jauh dari sisi
Tiada untuk meneman mu lagi
Tiada untuk bersenyum manis
Tiada untuk mengisi ruang hati

Bayangkannya
Tika ku bukan milikmu lagi...

A Cry In The Dark

2004-10-27T01:40:00.000+08:00

Lying by the baby blue striped with the navy lines sofa, she wept. Accompanied by just the champagne glass, which had lost its luster in the gloomy dark room. She had cried since ten that night. Never once she stopped. Admitting to the fact, it was hers all along. It was definitely hers from the start till the end. The swollen eyes bulged like a goldfish's. But that didn't deter the weeping. The tears just flowed freely down her cheeks. They glistened in the dark, the lights from the fish tank made the tears looked just like diamonds. Still, they were the tears of the painful stabs in her heart.

She wondered whether could she still go on strong as before. She questioned herself, if she could just ignored it and moved on like nothing happened. At this particular point in time, she knew she couldn't, but it was at that point. Maybe later, she would change her mind, like she always did. "Well, I'm used to be call fickle", she whispered with a sigh.

Pouring herself another glass of champagne, which she bought at the store around the neighborhood that afternoon, she dropped the glass. "Can't I do anything right?" she let it out at the broken pieces of glasses. Slowly, she made her way to the storeroom to get the dustpan and broom. She didn't bother to switch on the light in the storeroom. She preferred to find them in the dark. With another heave, she limped to the sofa again.

Those broken pieces were smiling at her. She thought she heard them talking to her. "Aren't you tired, my lady? Do you want to take a rest?" smirked the glasses. She nodded her head in silence, still weeping like a child. Staring at the shimmering pieces lured her into her own world. Carefully, she picked one of the pieces. Smiling at it, kissing it, stroking it, just gave her the heavenly satisfaction. She held it near to her left wrist, letting it massage her with the tenderness that she needed. With great concentration, she began to slit slowly and gently into the wrist and smiled with great victory.

Sleepless on Sunday

2004-10-26T02:15:00.000+08:00

Seems like ages since,
The morning glories hugged the school fences,
Homemade birthday cakes were cut into pieces,
The playing stones were tossed in fives,
Puckish children were still poking the beehives,
Games in the void-deck were never a miss,
Being a sinner after having a little kiss,
A date in the library was such a chic,
Having a D would make the future bleak,
Eyes were not meant to shut close,
But to stare into the core of the purple rose,
The silence was so comfortable,
Once again love was possible,
A divine halo was then born,
And sadly, the sleepless Sunday was gone.

Kiddy Talk

2004-10-24T22:05:00.000+08:00

Apa Sen dah cakap ngan mak, sampai mak cakap Sen 'kurang ajar'?

Tak de pa pe...

Cakaplah ngan kakak. Kenapa ah Sen? *tersengeh cam kupang yang tadi aku buat buka*

Tak de pa pe... *mata budak tu dah berair dah*

Jom kita masok dalam bilik. Orang tak dengar nanti kita cakap. Jom ah. *tarik tangan budak tu*

So, Sen cakap apa kat mak? Story lah.

Kita tengah tengok gambar Pak Busu kahwin. Then, mak cakap dia nak carik muka dia dalam album tu. Sen joking je. Sen cakap, "Alah mak, jangan perasan ah." Abis tu Sen kena marah. Mak cakap Sen kurang ajar.

Tentulah. Abis tu Sen cakap cam gitu. I know you are just joking with her. Tapi mak kan orang tua, so dia ingat kita kurang ajar. Lain kali Sen jangan buat gitu...

Abis tu tadi Kak Is dengarkan? Sen tengah dudok kat kerusi, tengah kebas bulu Chomel. Pas tu mak marah-marah, cakap Sen tak tau nak belajar. Sen explain lah Sen nak belajar lah ni. Abis tu mak cakap Sen menjawab. Kalau Sen tak explain, mak tanya kenapa Sen tak tau nak jawab. Sen explain, mak cakap Sen kurang ajar. Cam na gitu?

Ok, next time, when mak buat gitu, Sen explain macam Sen explain kat Kak Is tadi. But, jangan tinggikan suara. Sen cakap baik-baik. Tengok apa mak cakap. Dah, jangan sedih. Gi belajar. Nanti nak buka, I'll call u. I want to cook now. All rite?

*Budak Sen tu angguk kepala je. Muka layu cam morning glory yang tak glorious lagik*

Haruman Warkah

2004-10-19T01:57:00.000+08:00

Berlari ke hujung mekar
Mengusapi ampaian kasih
Bingkisan rindu terselit erti
Warkah kuning diluruti sepi

Kata demi kata dihalusi
Bicara manis berlagukan cinta
Tuturnya menyentuhi naluri
Belaian luruh disambut sudah

Heningnya malam tiada bersuara
Cahaya rindu digenggami erat
Sulaman hati penghias jiwa
Mekarlah semula di dalam jasad

Paluan jantung menanyakan minda
Akankah kukuh cinta itu
Akankah kembali api berahi
Mampukah terbelai diri yang rapuh

Terjawab sudah persoalan di hati
Ternobatlah jua kasih diraja
Sematkan bicara berpadukan budi
Warkah kuning ku tatapi lagi

Cukup Malas

2004-10-18T04:46:00.000+08:00

Betol aku dah cukup malas. Buat cara kau jika itu yang kau rasa betol. Memang semua yang kau buat tu betol, kan? Apa yang aku buat cukup jelek buat kau, kan? Tak usah minta pandangan ku jika kau tidak pedulikannya. Tak usah jadi politically correct, setakat nak sedapkan hati aku dan tidak mahu orang lain pandang serong terhadap kau. Dah berkali-kali aku cakap, dah berkali-kali aku luahkan, tetapi tetap gitu jugak cara kau. Itu yang buat aku cukup malas. Aku ada sepatah dua kata untuk kau, jangan jadi kepoter, bilang orang sana sini, nanti berbalik kat muka sendiri. Dah pernah terjadi kan? Jadi, diam! Diam tak bermakna kau kalah, cuma tak mahu berkata apa-apa. Tak dilarang pon dalam Islam.

Bulan Ramadhan ini memang menguji sungguh keimanan aku. Nasib baik, aku masih boleh handle.

Ya Allah, berikan ku kesabaran dalam menghadapi ujian kau. Ya Allah, tunjukkan aku jalan yang harus ku tujui. Amin.

Welkam Ramadhan

2004-10-15T02:05:00.000+08:00

Assalammualaikum wr.,

Sempena bulan Ramadhan yang mulia ini, saya ingin mengucapkan kepada semua umat Islam di serata dunia, selamat menunaikan ibadah puasa. Semoga ibadah kita di bulan Ramadhan ini diberkati Allah swt. Hanya di bulan Ramadhan ini sahaja lah, kita dapat menunai solat sunat tarawih. Tapi apa gunanya tarawih, jika yang wajib kita tak dapat sempurnakan. Dan di waktu yang sama, marilah kita memperbanyakkan berzikir dan bertadarus Al-Quran.

Jangan disebabkan berpuasa, kita lalai dan cuai dalam melakukan kerja harian kita. Berpuasa bukanlah satu alasan yang munasabah untuk kita leka. Berpuasa adalah tanggungjawab kita sebagai seorang Muslimin apabila Ramadhan tiba.

Semoga amalan dan ibadah kita diberkati dan diterimaNya.

Wassalam.

****************************************************************

*Kenyit mata kiri aku, yang bulu dia dah pendek disebabkan terbakar.. mak kau peh panjang aku type.. hehe*
Amacam, ok? Malam ada plan? .... Sorrie, PJ!

Whispers in the Dark

2004-10-09T13:32:00.000+08:00

She run with all her might. Away from that. But, the whispers are still there, lingering by her right ear.

"Come here. Don't go there. You know it. Come... ", those hellish voice keep coaxing without fail.

She knows she's not going to say anything. Keeping mum will the best and run again. The whispers manage to keep up with her and this time they grow louder.

"I said here. Come here...", still trying to convince her.

She feels that. The whispers touch her. They have managed to. She know by now, she can't run. While struggling to break free, she mewls. Her eyes are slightly apart and she finds herself in her room. She breathes hard and could only hear her pants. She takes a look at the time. It is 4.16am.

Malays Can't Sell?

2004-10-08T14:51:00.000+08:00

Sejak aku join AJU, aka Association of the Jualan Anggurs, aku sering kekeringan. So aku pon nak lah jual aku nye Singapore vintage postcards. Dulu aku ada minat collect bende ni. Konon nak "get-in-touch-with-my-roots". Yang aku collect adalah gambar-gambar orang lama². To be exact orang melayu dulu². Gambar kampong² tapi mesti ada orang lah. Postcards ni adalah dari zaman 1900's-1960's. Memang postcards this era ada value. Especially those yang ada stamps dan ber-dated way back. So aku ingatkan since aku nak support diri aku sementara dapat keje ni, juallah bende tu. I got around 8 pieces and they are worth $260 and above. Ye lah masa aku beli tu $260. Tapi value mesti naik pe. Kira antique and vintage. Singapore vintage stamps are more valuable, like I said especially with the dates stamped. So semalam, aku pergi lah Clarke Quay nak pergi jual harta karun aku yang tak seberapa tu.

So I stepped in the first shop, the shop which I bought this,

aku pon tunjukkanlah postcards yang lain aku ada, termasuk yang kat atas tu. Yang si suar ni aku panggil, PENIPU HARAM TAK DE LESEN. Kau tau dia cakap apa?
"These are pictures of people. Now I don't take these, I take road scenes and roadsides. And this postcard (gambar atas) looks familiar..."
So, aku tanya lah, "How much you sell this for?"
Si malaun ni jawab, "I sell this for $80-90."
Ah kau! Pala jubz betol! Aku beli dari dia $150! Tak ke binawei tu nama dia? Aku cakap lah aku beli $150. Dia cakap market value postcard ni $80-$90. Mati² dia jawab tu! Pakkal aku tak de receipt. Kalau ada, aku sorokkan kat mata dia, biar dia juling! Dia dah tak nak beli, aku pon pegi lah kedai lain.

Ni kedai lagik satu, dah tak nak beli tu sudahlah. Dia punya remarks lagik cam soyal! Ni nama dia, JIN TANAH TAK MAKAN SAMAN! Aku tunjukkan lah semua lapan² harta aku. Dia pon cakap dia tak amik postcard yang ada gambar orang.
Dah tu dah, dia menambah, "Somemore your postcards all got malay people. Malay cannot sell."
MAK COW! Tak pelat siak bebwal! MALAYS CAN'T SELL???!!!! Apa peh remarks tuh?? BINGIT SIAK TAU TAK? Dah tak nak beli tu sudah, yang kau nak menambah Malays can't sell tu apsal? Tak ke tu Cina haram, berak tak cebok?! Aku tengok muka dia cam tak percaya dia cakap gitu.
Dia tambah plak, "You understand what I mean?", pas tu tersengeh cam bontot ba alif ba ya.
Dah tu, dia tokok tambahlah. Konon postcard(gambar atas) tu, stamp dia salah placing, so harga tak tinggi. Eh sudahlah bukit, kau diam lagik bagus.
Teros aku cakap ngan dia, "Ok, you don't want to buy right? Never mind."
Pas tu dia tanya dengan muka selamba²nya, "How much you want to sell to me?"
Aku dengan muka tak tau malu, aku tanya, "How much you want to offer?".
Dia jawab, "$70 for the 7 postcards excluding the stamped one."
Aku jawab, "Oh, I forgot it is still about PROFITS. It's ok, I'll think about it."
Dia tambahlah dia beli kat wholesaler and diaorg jual satu keping $10. Teros aku teringat crite P.Ramlee.
"Mana boleh? Wa beli satu keping 15 sen!"
"Lu beli pakai kiping, wa beli pakai bolong. Mana bleh sama hor!"
Cina laknat! Manalah tak pandai buat bisnes! Teros aku angkat kaki, jalan pegi kedai lagik satu.

Yang ni plak, JIN PEROT GENDUT JAHANAM! Seperti kedai² yang lain, aku tunjukkan lah jugak harta pusaka aku. Dia belek peh belek peh belek.
Lepas tu dia tanya aku dengan mata sepet dia, "Blapa lu mau jual?"
Aku tanya balik dengan muka cam tapai basi, "Brapa lu mau kasi?"
Dekni so-called ada etiquette sikit.
Dia tanya lagik, "Mana wa tau? Lu punya balang."
By this time, aku dah tawar. Seriously dah tawar hati.
Aku baru test water, "Ok, ni 7 postcard, wa kasi lu $70."
Dah memang dasar bukit, dia tengok aku, pas tu geleng kepala dengan se-confident²nya, "Mana boleh? Ni wa kasi $20."
Memang nak kena pelangkong jugak dia peh kepala! Aku tengok muka dia, staring hebat punya. Aku pon geleng kepala dengan sebingit²nya, pas tu aku cakap aku tak nak jual. Aku pon nak pack up, teros nak blah. Ni part yang best!
Dengan muka dia yang selambaland, dia tanya aku, "Yang itu(gambar atas), lu mau jual tak?" Nampak jugak eh si keparat ni!
Aku cakap, "Brapa lu mau amek?"
Dengan cukup confident, dia cakap, "$20". Nak aku maki je nenek moyang dia!
Aku balas balik, "Tak pe, wa tak mo jual. Aku beli $150, nak jualkan kau $20?"
Korang pikir eh, kalau postcard tu tak berharga, yang dia pi sound aku tu apsal? Citot betol! Korang tengok the stamped-year, it is 1911. Dengan rela hati ke pe, aku nak part with that thing with a mere $20?

Aku tunjukkan korang eh, the message behind the postcard.

Kalau korang tak dapat baca, this is the message.

"Miss E. Liebert, Replying to your P.Card I shall thank you for your pretty card, but what is about our "Malay Woman". With every regards From Tan Kim Swee"

Apa gaknye maksud the sender cakap gituk? Malays can't sell? What is wrong with Malay women, that the sender had to put it in inverted commas? Oh, I forgot it is out of curiosity. Give the sender the benefit of the doubt. But, because of the brushes I had with those shopkeepers, how can I, as a normal human being and as a Malay woman with feelings, not see that as a racial discrimination?
~~~~~~~~~~

Salahkah Aku?

Salahkah aku dilahirkan Melayu?
Sebuah bangsa yang ada tatasusilanya
Diakui ramai akan kesopanannya
Dihormati ramai akan budayanya

Perkasanya pahlawan pahlawan Melayu
Memang telah terbukti dari dahulu
Kelakian mereka usah dipertikai
Jika dicabar, bertarunglah hingga selesai

Wanita Melayu tiada bandingannya
Lembut dan ayu gerak geri mereka
Walaupun dari dasar tampak lemah
Harumnya nama srikandi srikandi kita

Namun arus permodenan di abad ini
Telah melalaikan semangat bangsa ku
Aku tidak mahu berjuang sendiri
Sesungguhnya Melayu tidak seperti dahulu

Salahkah aku dilahirkan Melayu?

Terbuktinya Cinta Itu

2004-10-05T02:41:00.000+08:00

Masih perlukah dinyatakan
Haruskah lagi dibisikkan
Nafas cinta yang indah
Diharumi wangian sukma...

Telah terluah kata hati
Telah tertiup bunga kasih
Telah terlukis kalimah cinta
Telah terbukti cinta sejati...

Akan dicoretkan kata hati itu
Akan dibajakan bunga kasih itu
Akan dilaungkan kalimah itu
Akan terbukti jua cinta,
Cinta buat dua insan yang terhalang rindu...

Tiada Lagi

2004-10-04T04:36:00.000+08:00

Tiada lagi kedengaran
Tiada lagi dibisikkan
Tiada lagi diungkapkan
Tiada lagi dibibirkan

Tidur dalam gelisah
Bernafas dalam resah
Hanyut dibuai nafsu
Lemas ditenggelami cinta

Tiada lagi belaian
Tiada lagi kemanisan
Tiada lagi kemesraan
Tiada lagi keindahan

ZING - KRO - ZO - FO - NIA

2004-10-01T13:23:00.000+08:00

Entah kenapa, these few days, aku feeling nak bebwal pasal Owang Mayu (Orang Melayu) je. One thing, I can boldly say, orang melayu suka serkap jarang dan tak suka selidik perkara sebenarnya. Kalau korang pikir korang Jawa lah, Bugis lah, Bawean lah, tu lah, ni lah, jangan nak feeling "I'm-getting-back-to-my-roots". Yang nyatanya, tu pon satu kaum puak ngan group kemelayuan.

Actually kan, these attributes dah memang ada dalam genes kita. Maksud aku, baka kita. Dah dalam darah, tak leh nak buang. Tapi kita diberi akal untuk fikir, jadi gunakan dengan sepandai-pandainya. Ni lah datok nenek peh pasal. Raja Melayu dulu bodoh. Memang dia ada akal, tapi tak leh pikir. Main ikot hati, main hembus, main rembat. Konon adil ah tu. Ntah camna, yang rakyat-rakyat bahlol bleh angkat dia sebagai raja, pon aku tak tau. Tak payah lah aku nak elaborate pasal cerita-cerita raja zaman dulu. Aku kasi few examples je eh. Macam cerita Hang Tuah dan Dang Anum. Kalau tak tau, pegi baca kat library. These examples themselves dah cukup menunjukkan kita, yang bangsa kita ni dari dulu lagik, dah pe'el cam gini. Datok nenek dah start, cucu-cucu pon main ikot membabi buta je. Tu pon menunjukkan, kita ni suka dengar cakap orang. Orang cakap "A", kita cakap "A". Orang cakap "B", kita cakap "B".

Cerita-cerita cam gini pon eh menunjukkan bahawasanya, ceh cam mana peh bebwal je, hehe.. sorry digress plak, kita suka cocok-cocok orang. At the same time, kita pon termakan kata orang. Alah, bangsa lain pon ada yang cam gini jugak, tapi entah kenapa, aku tengok cerita hitam putih kita, banyak tunjuk attitude cam gini. Bagus tak? Ye lah, sebagai pengajaran lah tu pada kita yang hidup di zaman kemodenan. Ambil semua examples ni sebagai satu iktibar, ye tak?

Alah, aku pon sama jugak... tak nak selidik, main hembus je... orang cakap "Schizophrenia", aku cakap "ZING-KRO-ZO-FO-NIA". Pandai cikgu aku ajar aku. Tak tau nak check ngan dictionary, ikot suka hati nak panggil tu bende.

Her Kept Angst

2004-09-30T11:47:00.000+08:00

Don't tell me I don't know how to lead my life and don't say that I don't know what I am going to do with it. Of course, I bloody know how to and what to do with it. Enough of you people telling me what to do. Hell, I am long winded and so what?

Yes, I have plans of my own. Yes, I have already decided. Be it good or bad, I'll take it in my stride.

Maybe, some of us should look and scrutinize in the mirror who we really are. Maybe, some of us should give others the trust they need. Maybe, some of us should be allowed to make our decisions. Maybe, some of us should be shot dead, to let others live in peace. Ok, SHOOT ME.

Just simply because, someone dear to us made a mistake, should we ditch or leave them? Can't he/she be given another chance? Who are we people to judge him/her? Yes, you can answer, "I had given him/her the chances, but he/she kept making mistakes!". Instead of helping him/her, since both of you are close and he/she is so dear to you, you choose to leave. Oh, I forgot, you've had enough.

Stop probing. It is not nice. I choose the word, "nice", because it will be easier to explain to kids. What is there to probe? So... you can actually spread the juicy crap to others? If someone confides in you, just keep it within you. But, if you feel that it is exploding inside you, then I suggest you go to a psychiatrist and let it out. It is DEFINITELY better than spreading it to others, since psychiatrist are taught to be discreet and not to disclose patient's info.

Everyone is a walking contradiction. Yes, that includes me too. I'm sure it is not a surprise to you people. But, knowing you have a split personality, read as two-faced human, I highly recommend you for treatment. It may cost a bomb for that, but it is worth it. I think I'm gonna give it a try. Admit it, you have to be two-faced moron when situation forces us.

Let's make the world a better place to live in... Yes, that includes you too, LIS!

Melayu Boleh?

2004-09-30T01:50:00.000+08:00

Kalau korang pandai, korang cuba teka apa dia bahasa kebangsaan Singapura?

Inggeris?
Mandarin?
Melayu?
Tamil?

Jawapannye, MELAYU! Ya saya, cikgu, Bahasa Melayu. Apsal aku cakap gini?

Senang cakap, korang pikir sendiri eh...

Kalau korang pegi pasar nak beli barang dapor, korang cakap bahasa apa dengan apek atau mama kat situ? Bahasa Melayu kan?

Tu hari aku pegi Jalan Kayu, orang cina ni nak makan prata, waiter India pon datang nak amik order. Saaap, orang cina tu punyalah tutur kata-kata dia. Dia bebwal Bahasa Melayu dengan waiter India tu. Style tak? Bukan apek tau. Umur orang cina tu dalam lingkungan 30-an.

Lagu kebangsaan Singapura dalam bahasa apa, murid-murid? MELAYU, Cikgu!

Sudah terang pe, Malay is the national language of Singapore. Nak debate apa lagik?

We should be DAMN proud, other races are using our language, Malay, as a medium to communicate. But still, we, Malays, complain that they are not giving the equal chances to us. Hehe, aku gurau je... Alah, setakat bahasa je diaorg pakai buat apa... In other areas, we are still not given the equal opportunities. I'm sure korang agree kan? Tak payahlah aku nak cakap which areas, korang dah tau dah.

Kalau bahasa kita, diaorg dah boleh buat national language, this means, kita, orang Melayu, can actually make a difference. Tu pon, kalau diberi EQUAL opportunities. Bila eh tu?

MAJULAH SINGAPURA

Mari kita rakyat Singapura
Sama-sama menuju bahagia
Cita-cita kita yang mulia
Berjaya Singapura
Marilah kita bersatu

Dengan semangat yang baru
Semua kita berseru
Majulah Singapura
Majulah Singapura

By Encik Zubir Said -> Owang Melayu Tau

Yeah right, and I'm still not proud to be a Malay Singaporean!

...My Apologies...

2004-09-30T01:36:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry I went missing.

I'm sorry I did not update my blog.

I'm sorry I did not reply to your smses.

I'm sorry I did not answer your calls.

I'm sorry I give you heartaches and headaches.

I'm sorry I kept quiet all this time.

I'm sorry I made my decisions, not to your likings.

I'm sorry I hurt you with my actions.

I'm sorry for being ME.

***********************************

I am STILL your friend, even if you treat me this way...

Terima Kasih Kerana Membaca

2004-08-11T13:40:00.000+08:00

Masa kita kecik-kecik dulu, ingat tak, kita selalu kena pukul, cubit dan macam-macam lagik. Alah, budak kecik mana yang tak kena label kurang ajar kan?

Kita kecik-kecik diajar kalau kita nak pinjam/amik barang orang, kita disuruh mintak izin yang empunya barang. Ingat aku dulu-dulu, manalah aku ada beskal, so nak pinjam jiran punya, mintak lah izin dulu. Tu pon, aku kena marah. Sebabnye, tu milik orang. Mak aku tak suka aku pinjam/amik barang orang. So parents aku belikan aku satu beskal. Dah memang sah tu milik aku, so diaorg tak cakap banyak kalau aku nak main sepuas hati aku.

*Mak-mak mode* Kalau orang dah kasi pinjam, apa yang patot kita cakap?
Yes, kita kena cakap terima kasih. Teringat aku, zaman kecik-kecik, orang dah kasi aku gula-gula ke, cokelat ke, aku asyik lupa je nak cakap terima kasih. Ah kau! Sekalik kena cubit ngan mak aku, tersedu kejap. Cakap jugak aku, terima kasih.

Kalau kita dah buat salah, kita pon diajar cakap apa? Ah, sorry, else maaf. Dulu aku pon kaki carik gadoh, tak pon accidentally mesti tergadoh pe, mak aku dapat tau. Sekalik kena jumpa budak tu, cakap sorry. Isssh, budak kecik punya pasal, orang tua masok campor kah? Bila cakap sorry, aku kena hulur tangan, konon tanda persahabatan.

Memang apa orang tua kita suruh buat tu betol. Bottomline, parents know best.

*****************************

Kepada semua sahabat handai, TERIMA KASIH kerana

Pinjamkan aku barang etc
Persahabatan yang korang semua hulurkan
Menjadi listening ear kepada aku
Pemberian nasihat/pandangan kepada aku

Aku juga ingin meminta MAAF kerana

Saketkan hati korang walaupun aku sengaja atau tidak
Tak nak dengar cakap/nasihat korang
Terambil makan, minom dan hak milik korang dengan cara sengaja atau tidak

*****************************

Masih menunggu lagik... Antara nak ataupon tak nak...

Bisikan Mawar Ungu

2004-08-04T04:00:00.000+08:00

Sekali lagi, deraian ombak memecahi sunyi. Purnama masih mengambang penuh kejinggaan ketika itu. Pohonan melambai lemah gemalai seakan membelai perasaannya yang meracau. Berdiri lagi dia di situ. Matanya masih terpaku melihat ombak menyusur ke pantai. Sayu sungguh malam itu. Hatinya masih tidak berhenti menjerit. Walau bagaimana sekali pun, dia memarahi dirinya sendiri, akan tetap juga hatinya masih tidak berhenti.

Bukan ku tak mahu, cuma aku tak ingin dilukai lagi, bisik hati kecilnya. Parut di badan memang senang kelihatan, tetapi parut di dalam tiada siapa yang tahu. Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu yang memikul. Peristiwa yang mengguris hati masih lagi segar di ingatan. Tidak pernah dia menidakkan kenangan itu bermain di mata. Parut ini masih berdarah; aku masih belum pulih, bisiknya lagi. Tangisan kecil kedengaran lagi. Dia biarkan titisan hangat lagi pilu membasahi pipinya; pipi yang pernah disentuh seseorang ketika dulu.

Jam di telefon bimbitnya menunjukkan masa cepat berlalu pergi. Sudah 4 jam, dia berada di bangku batu itu. Masih lagi dia termangu. Masih lagi dia menangis. Belum puas bagi dirinya untuk meluahkan perasaan yang lama terpendam di dalam sanubari. Hanya lautan ini yang sanggup mendengar rintihan aku, katanya pilu. Mengapa sekarang, amarah hatinya bersahut. Dengan langkah yang lemah, dia mencapai beg bimbitnya lalu pergi. Pemergian itu aku telah merelakan, bisik bibirnya yang halus. Sekali lagi, kedengaran ombak memecah sunyi.

*********************************

"...Musuh ketat kita adalah diri kita sendiri..."

It's My Life, My Choice

2004-07-30T16:55:00.000+08:00

choice (chois)n. :

The act of choosing; selection.
The power, right, or liberty to choose; option.
One that is chosen.
A number or variety from which to choose: a wide choice of styles and colors.
The best or most preferable part.
Care in choosing.
An alternative.

I would take Number 2. Yes, it is my choice.

Everything that had been done in my life is my OWN choice. I will never blame anyone for it. If things go wrong, I only have MYSELF to blame.

In life, we may have come across a situation where our choices do play important parts. I'm sure each and every single one of us has been in a situation where we are plain confused about the choices we are supposed to take. Have you people ever thought of the outcomes when you make that choice? Some of us did and some of us did not.

Did you ever say to yourselves that whatever decisions you make, you will never look back and regret? I've said and made that, and yet when things don't happen the way I want it to be, I looked back again and wished I did not make that choice. I wish I can turn back the time, I wish I can make another choice, I wish it is just another nightmare. But I can't. It is stated in my life book, that I have to go through that. It is fated I make that decision, it is fated that I have to experience that. No point and it is useless to look back and regret. Yes, it is easy for me to say that. We are all humans, merely playing our roles on this Earth.

Decisions and choices that we make, we have got no one else to blame. Yes, people might have influence us to make that choice. They merely INFLUENCE, but we have a CHOICE not to succumb to their words. It is still our choice.

No matter how much I've tried not to look back, I still do.
No matter how much I said I will not regret, I still do sometimes.
No matter how much I said I'll blame myself, I still push some to others.

I know that some of us are doing this. I know I'm not the only one. Or am I in denial?

All I can say is, it is your choice. You only got yourself to blame....

***************************

Breathe Easy by BLUE

Cruel to the eye
I see the way he makes you smile
Cruel to the eye
Watching him hold what used to be mine

Why did I lie
Why did I wander where to fly
Ooh why
Ooh why
And I.........can't breathe easy
I cant sleep at night
Until your by my side
No I........can't breathe easy
I cant dream you had another dream without you lying next to me
There's no air
Crushed me inside
For every word that caused you to cry
Crushed me insideI wont forget, no I wont baby
I Don't know why(Don't know why)I left the one I was looking to find
Ooh why
Ooh why
WHY I.........can't breathe easyI cant sleep at night
Until your by my side
No I........can't breathe easy(Breathe easy)
I cant dream you had another dream without you lying next to me,
There's no air
No I.........can't breathe easy
I cant dream you had another dream without you lying next to me,
There's no air
Out of my mind
Nothing makes sense anymore
I want you back in my life
That's all I'm breathing for
Ooh I......................
Tell me why................ Ooh
Tell me why
I cant dream you had another dream without you lying next to me,
there's no air no no no no no
I................can't breathe easy
I cant sleep at night
Until your...by my side
Yeah I...................
Can't breathe easy
No I...I can't dream you had another dream without you lying next to me,
There's no air
There's no air

***************************

Yes, Only yourself to blame...

Memori Semalam

2004-07-28T21:20:00.000+08:00

Potret cinta dilukis halus
Bara asmara menjadi bingkai
Jiwa dan raga ku tebar tulus
Usah biarkan aku terkapai

************************

Angin laut mengalunkan irama rindu. Wira mencapai gitar usangnya, lalu berjalan menuju ke pantai. Gitar ini juga yang telah banyak berjasa kepadanya; menemaninya ke mana jua. Sekarang Wira keseorangan lagi. Tiada teman untuk berbicara, berdebat dan berbual. Sekali lagi kedengaran ombak memecah pantai. Dengan tenaga yang ketandusan, Wira menunduk kepala perlahan-lahan. Teringatnya akan masa lampau; memori yang penuh dengan bahang asmara. Gelak ketawanya masih lagi terngiang-ngiang di telinga ku, bisik Wira.

"Abang, nak cuci tangan tak?", si Dia bertanya.
"Boleh lah", jawab Wira sambil menghulurkan tangannya yang telah dikotori darah cacing hitam semasa memancing. Dialah temanku di mana saja, naluri Wira berkata. Memang aku yang melepaskan kau pergi tapi aku tak bisa menanggung rindu ini sayang, rintihan hati Wira berteriak.

Masih lagi terkenang waktu-waktu nan indah di mana mereka bersantai di tepi laut; menikmati alunan desiran ombak berduaan. Memang romantis, memang indah, tetapi apakan daya terpaksa berpisah. Sebak di dada Wira apabila mengimbas kembali masa yang lampau. Walaupun telah berbulan, tetapi kenangan itu tak pernah lapuk di ingatan.

Jari jemarinya menari di tali-talian gitar semi-akustiknya. Gemersiknya alunan irama yang terdengar. Dipetiknya lagi lagu itu; lagu dicipta khas buat si Dia, sempena hari lahirnya. Tiap kali lagu itu berkumandang, tiap kali juga hatinya pedih, pilu dan haru. Tanpa disedarinya, titisan air mata membasahi pipi. Kembalilah engkau sayang, abang masih mencintaimu, jelas kedengaran bisikan pilu Wira.

Wira pasrah, hanya menunggu keputusan si Dia.

************************

Anggerik ungu dipetik si dara
Lalu diselit rapi di telinganya
Bukan hatinya tidak cinta
Hanya tidak mahu kali kedua

Fahamilah Kekata Ku

2004-07-27T04:59:00.000+08:00

Pengertian Abadi

Berbantalkan rindu ku pejamkan mata
Bertilamkan kasih ku rebahkan tubuh
Naluri berkata halus berbaur pelangi
Mewarna hidupku dengan penuh seri

Kehadiranmu memberi seribu makna
Tersirat beribu bicara indah
Malamku kini tiada kesepian
Harianku kini tiada keseorangan

Mengertilah sayang
Mengertilah intan
Haruman kasih yang ku semai
Tiada lagi yang menjadi pilihan

Mengertilah kasih
Mengertilah putraku
Jiwamu dan jiwaku akan tetap menjadi satu

Hanya kau yang dipuja
Hanya kau yang ku cinta
Tidak mungkinkan terpisah

Bercadarkan kehangatan asmara
Ku lenakan tidur malam ini
Mengertilah kaulah segalanya buat diri ini
Mengertilah kasih

***************

..... Ku yakinkan diri demi rinduku
Penawar hanya dari wajah kekasih
Walaupun rintangan datang menduga
Ku tempuhinya kerna cinta membara .....

Wajah Kekasih by Sitikus

Sick And Tired

2004-07-26T17:24:00.000+08:00

Enough is enough. I've moved the gigantic boulder. It was made of granite. That horrendous rock sank me once. So I'm not going to make me sink again.

Maybe it is time for me to go. It's tiring and sickening. Living day by day like a living corpse. Irony, a corpse is supposed to be dead, but how come it is living? Quoting someone, "FUNNY HOW".. LOL.. No pun intended... *giggles*

Readers, if you did not or have not hear from me, that means I might have packed up my stuff and exiled myself somewhere. I might be living in some parts of the world, doing community services; serving myself to the third-world countries. I might be helping them to lay bricks for schools, houses and plant some seeds. Suddenly I feel so whole. Yeah, I should do that.

But I hope I'm doing this for real. Heard from few friends that, someone is supposed to pack his stuff, emotional baggage and whatever it is, leaving behind this and that; and suddenly he is back... "FUNNY HOW"... LOL...

All I can say is read my lips and take a look at my fingers.... "WHATEVER"!

Diam.. Dan Renunglah Wajah Ku...

2004-07-26T16:25:00.000+08:00

Kediaman Tatapan Luruh

Alunan ombak melaungkan irama cinta
Pohon nyiur melambai mesra bayu malam
Jangan ditanya mengapa aku di sini lagi
Perasaan ini sungguh ku tak ngerti

Di saat mata mu merenung tajam
Aku terlemas dalam renungan itu
Ku dakap tatapan itu dengan penuh kasih
Seperti baru semalam kita di sini

Ku masih seperti dahulu juga
Cinta dan kasih tidak pernah beralih arah
Ku masih di sini
Ku masih tidak berganjak pergi
Diri ini masih memerlukan mu

Akan ku kibarkan panji cinta
Akan ku lebarkan sayap kasih
Akan ku tiupkan bayu asmara
Akan ku sambut cintamu itu

Jangan berkata... Diam sahaja
Tatapan itu sudah cukup memberitahu
Segala apa yang tersirat di jiwa mu
Ku akui cinta kita hebat
Jangan lagi dipertikaikan cinta ini
Diam... Tatapilah aku kasih...

***********

Apa itu cinta?
Apa itu sayang?
Apa itu kasih?

Mengapa hidup kita dikelilingi cinta?
Mengapa kita mesti merana kerana cinta?

Aku cukup malas, cukup muak untuk teruskan...

Jika ditakdirkan, relakannya...

Phantasma Romance

2004-07-18T17:20:00.000+08:00

It rained the other night. The clock on the wall showed 4.20 am. She had been tossing on the bed since two just now. She picked up herself and made her way to the kitchen. Scooting around the area for some munchies. Then slowly, she reached out for the Andersen's Macadamia Caramel flavoured ice-cream in the freezer. Sat in front of the TV, watching HBO and, with tremendous effort, she tried to finish the tub.

Facing the monitors in that room, can just bid him a good night's sleep. He was getting bored. The room was quiet, except for him and another colleague. The colleague was savouring the moments, playing the Puzzle Bubble on a newly bought Nokia 7610. Another new toy to be amused over. He just smiled to himself looking at his colleague's puzzling bubbling antics.

Clueless was shown on HBO that night. There she was, still trying to finish the tub while watching Clueless. Cher didn't realise that she was actually in love with Josh. Well, they went together towards the end of the show. Without anticipating, suddenly she missed someone. Just that someone, whom the origin she did not know. She didn't know where he will come from and who he is. She just missed him that night. With a heavy drag to the kitchen, she threw the finished tub away, washed the spoon and back to the TV.

Still facing the monitors in the room, he felt slumped. He took out his handset and started to play the games installed inside his Nokia 7250. Maybe I should get myself Nokia 7610, he mumbled. He looked around the room and was disgusted by the sight of the flickering blue monitors. A framed picture caught his attention. He went nearer to the picture frame. He thought it was sweet. His colleague's family potrait. It was put on her desk. Typical of a female colleague who's married, he smirked. Looking at the kids in the frame, made him withdrawn. He felt lonely. When will he meet the one? The one whom he will choose her to be his queen for life.

At 5 am, the movie ended. She switched off the TV and treaded to the bed. As she lay her head on the pillow, she can't help it, but thought of him. Just who is he?, she sighed and closed her eyes in solitude. She turned to her right and hugged the bolster tight. She still missed him.

A staff called for him over the PA system. Seems that the processing machine for the American chemical company, just won't start no matter what had been done. He marched his way to the basement, just to find his staff with the confounded frown, looking at him. He did the necessary troubleshooting. Everything was in place, but he just can't find where the fault was. He trailed the wires and inspected it carefully. There it was, a moderate tear that could reveal the internal chrome wires. Looked like been nibbled by a rat. He instructed the staff to change the wires. Off he went in the room again. Sat there quietly, staring at the blue monitor and think of her. I'll meet her soon, he smiled.

Mushy Nite

2004-07-15T20:58:00.000+08:00

Keinginan Ku

Sayup angin mencium pipi
Bulan terang menerangi malam
Apakah kau merindui diri ini
Tanpa mu disisi malam ku suram

Masih terlekat pena di jari
Ilham ku masih belum jua tiba
Apa yang harus aku beri
Untuk kau menerima cinta

Bukan harta yang ku pinta
Berlian dan permata juga bukan
Hanya kasih, sayang dan cinta
Yang ku damba dan impikan

This is just a poem, inspired after reading Doink's blog... Just feeling mushy.. Aaaarrghh, yes, it's the butterflies again... *giggles*

2004-07-15T15:41:00.000+08:00

What would I do if I still do carry on performing till now?

Would I be holding a full-time job at the same time, I dance in bars and clubs

Or

Would I be just performing from clubs to clubs, just like my she-males friends out there?

Yes, it is easy money, but what would the society think of me? Elders would frown at the thought of me performing, thus labelling me, "Perempuan Joget". Nice name to be given to some women, huh?

To D'Crush, remember the time when we are supposed to perform in this sleazy club? DAMN! I forgot the name. It had closed anyways. It is along Mohd Sultan Road. We didn't take the offer. Apparently, we are supposed to be door girls and mingle and dance with the crowd. I can't believe my face, "tembok pecah seribu", can make it for the club. I guess the management were desperate, thus they had no choice. I was a geek then, and I am still one, with my nerdy specs and I'm still in school. We didn't take that offer anyways. But the money offered was good.

Then remember the time when we performed at Bar None? The crowd was supportive and matured. The song will always be there in my head. Whenever I hear the song blasts in my ears, those moments kept replaying. And it's ALIVE!!! I miss performing in front of crowds...

Anyways, 1 got married and has a kid and 2 are engaged. Just left me. Single Mingle Triangle. I have always pictured myself settling down late. I can't tell you which age, cause I don't have any premonitions on that. Thinking about settling down again, I don't know. I got creeps. Maybe I won't settle down. I'll die alone, like what a former friend claimed. Whatever! Better off than having relationship problems every now and then.

Oh yeah, could you people do me a favour? How do you know whether a guy notices you? Gimme some feedbacks, please. I'm still ignorant, or maybe I just chose to ignore.
Bummer!

Dreading My Every Moment

2004-07-13T20:39:00.000+08:00

Sitting in the office like a retard.

Wish I can take my leave now.

But I can't.

I'm due till half past ten.

Fiddling with the pen.

A call comes in now.

Customer is getting on my nerve.

It is too much.

Can I go now?

It seems like decades I've been sitting here.

My back is aching, like a thousand needles poking my spine.

I'm facing the callmaster again.

When will the calls end?

Damn, another just come in again.

I'm still smitten, aren't I?

2004-07-11T15:11:00.000+08:00

Sampaikanlah Debuan Debuan Rinduku

Debuan debuan rindu ku layarkan
Di atas sebuah bahtera yang indah
Disaluti cinta

Hanyutlah engkau bahtera ku
Kibarkan layarmu
Agar senang engkau ke tujuanmu

Angin, tiupkanlah hasratku
Sampaikanlah niatku
Ku harap dia mengerti rindu ini

Lindungilah debuan debuan rinduku itu
Jangan biarkan mereka berterbangan
Ku tak mahu mereka tenggelam
Di tengah lautan

Sampaikanlah debuan debuan rinduku padanya
Yang teramat ku rindu
Dan yang teramat ku sayang...

Disgusted But Amused

2004-07-11T14:53:00.000+08:00

I'm amused. Yes, I'm AMUSED.

Read a blog today.

The last two entries are pathetic.

The writer is trying to gain sympathy.

What can I say? The writer is good with words.

I am DISGUSTED, yet AMUSED.

Is the writer CONFUSED?

It is a surprise that the writer is not inspired any longer.

I'm entertained with all the words displayed in the comment boxes.

Amusing.

*Pukes*

Yikes!

I'm Bushed!

2004-07-11T10:10:00.000+08:00

Imagine this...

*Magical music playing in the background*

Had late lunch with a friend. Meeting for the very first time eversince knowing him in early 2003, if I'm not mistaken. Small world, it is. He knew some of my acquaintances. Catch up on things which we never catch up before. Anyway, we never met before.. What is there to catch up? *Wondering* It is a "getting-to-know" session, but it seems like it's been sometime I knew this guy. He is adorable, but don't be mistaken. He is definitely a nice guy. He reminds me of my cousin. *EVIL GRIN* This guy gonna get bullied by me! Muahaahaha!

Anyways, met another male friend at Esplanade. The intention was to enjoy the jazz music, but plan changed. We, the three pathetic friends, sat at a corner of a makan place and talked about anything from A-Z. Topics we've discussed :

1. AM.com
2. Relationships
3. Supernatural beings
4. Religion
5. Sports
6. Relationships again
7. Cars
8. Bikes
9. Religion again
10. Sports again
11. HBC, not HBO, not HRC, but HBC .. hehee, will tell you people later.
12. Sports again

Then, I feel like listening to live bands. So both pathetic friends, my male friend and I, went to CB. I have to thank him for bringing me there. The band is good. Why did I say it is good? Because the BASSIST looks good! Hahaha! No way, GIRLS! He's mine! *cheeky grin*. But then again, he might have a girlfriend. Ok, I give him a pass. *Close eyes in zen-like*

You people should go there for a good live band. It is so energetic. Wow! Fantastica!
For the first time, I DIDN'T dance. Yes, believe it. Went there just to listen to live band. Once its done, we wrap up our things too.

Then, my beautiful rounded stomach got empty. I need to refill it. Went to have supper at 3am. Nice! Saw a few friends there. Hmm, why do I have to bump into others at that hour? I don't fancy that. Had another "fruitful" conversation, hehe and I end up in bed at 5.30am.

Woke up at 8.30am and make my sleepy way to work. *YAWN*, yes it's a BIG yawn.
Now at this bloody hour, you people are sleeping and I'm trying my bloody best not to fall asleep and since writing can keep me awake, I'm writing this "boring-daily-routine" entry. God, is indeed fair...

Let's Talk About LOVE

2004-07-09T15:48:00.000+08:00

What is LOVE? Baby, don't hurt me.. Don't hurt me, no more~~

*Sigh*
What is LOVE? Endless compassion? Strong feelings for another? Or mere lust?
Is there such a thing as "Love at first sight", or is it "Lust at first sight"?

I do know one thing for sure. People in love are blind and stupid. Why?
They'll do anything for the person they love, even if it means to dive in the ocean of fire. What the hell are they thinking? They'll be cooked and burnt.
They'll travel till the end of the world to prove their love for the other party. Hello?? The world is round, so there is no way you could travel to the end.
They are even willing to leave their family behind, just to follow their "so-called" love. You ingrates! Your family members are there for you, morons! Your parents supported you throughout your childhood and rebellious teenager's years!

"The course of true love never did run smooth", heard this before?
Ok, this I got to agree. I don't have to include excerpts, because I'm sure each and everyone of us had experienced the same thing before.

I don't think I ever understand LOVE... It is so complicated a word to comprehend.
I think I can only understand love for God, religion, parents and family, not to another party. I guess I need a tutor or teacher to make me understand love for another man. Anyone wanna teach me? *eyes blinking with such endearment*

Hehehehe...

Yearning for a Perfect Day

2004-07-07T09:37:00.000+08:00

It will be Beautiful

As I lay in my bed this morning,
Heard the birds chirping lively,
Wishing me a lovely day ahead,
But will today be rad?

As I strutted to the shower,
My cat brushed its body against my leg,
Displaying its undying affection to me,
But will today be great?

As I walked out of my apartment,
Glints of the orange morn kissed my cheeks,
Greeting me with saccharine-like rays,
But will today be graced?

As I jumped into the cab,
Heard the radio playing a song,
The song that will always and
Never fail to touch my soul,
Yes, today will be, again, whole...

Revived

2004-07-04T19:52:00.000+08:00

Sitting in my armchair
Listening to the sweet serenades
Of the CD playing..
Crooning the romantic lyrics into my ears
I want to hear nothing.. nothing except for these..

So many emotions creep in my soles
Love all those feelings
Make me whole again...

It has been a long time since I feel this way
Glad that it happen
Glad.. Thank God..

Something best will happen to me
It has not happen yet, I guess..
Yeah, it has not.

I've picked up the shattered pieces
And I've glued them together
Although it will never ever be the same again,
Although the ugly cracks, be it visible or not, will be there,
I shalt not fear
I shalt not halt
I shalt not cry
I'll move on and show the world
I'm still standing here and smiling to the crowd

Something best is going to happen
Just wait.. Patience is a virtue..
Just wait dear.. It'll happen... :)

...I wish I can kill...

2004-07-04T17:13:00.000+08:00

How I wish I can kill...

Yes, KILL! Taking a person's life just like that.. Be it with a 9-inch knife.. Be it with a shotgun.. Be it! I wish I can kill...

The world is damned... God didn't make it that way.. It is us, the HUMAN race, make it DAMNED. It has been dirtied, stained and dull. Stained with cruelty, backstabbing, hatred, powerful rulers, envy and all the shits that can bring us down and bring the world to shame. Why are we still doing this? I wish I have the answers to everything. I really do... I've been trying very hard to understand humans, or have I not try hard enough?

I wish I can kill those humans that make the world damned.. Yes, be a killer!

Maybe we should start KILLING those characteristics of ours.. Those that can shame the world to death... Thus make the world a better place to live in... Kill those 7 sins.. Kill them! KILL! KILL! KILL!

...Can you give me Faith...

2004-07-02T10:33:00.000+08:00

My Faith

Will I ever get this Faith back
Will I ever gain its strength
Will I savor its soul and life
Will I ever smell its breath

Get me near to this Faith
Get me near to its heart
Let its life, soul and strength
Bull-eyes me with a dart

Open its eyes, Lord
Open its heart...
Let the Faith see
What goes on my mind
Let the Faith know
But do not let the Faith go
For the Faith is all I have,
That is for now, I know.

Help.. There are butterflies in my stomach

2004-06-30T21:58:00.000+08:00

Is luck going to be better for me now?

Is now gonna be the turning point?

Is now gonna be the time I really LEAVE everything and move on?

Is it now I'm gonna start my life afresh? But the car thingy has not been settled yet...

Gosh, this is really scary.. I'm having butterflies in my stomach now.. Oh Lord! Help! Someone help me! Somehow or rather, I find this terribly scary.. My legs are shaking tremendously.. Am I scared to move on.. or Am I scared I can't move on and that this is just another false alarm? Gosh, my head is spinning like crazy.. I think I can go bonkers now.. Darn that sms.. It made me "high".. Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaayyyyyy!!! A fresh new start for JULY !!!

...Tragedi Bulan Jun...

2004-06-30T13:44:00.000+08:00

*Lagu Mahligaimu dari Airmataku fading in the background*

Ya, salam sejahtera kepada pendengar di malam ini. DJ anda, NourleChams, akan menutup tirai buat malam ini,ya. Sebelum tirai ditutup, izinkan saya mengakhiri rancangan ini dengan liputan untuk perkara-perkara yang berlaku dalam bulan Jun ini. Banyak sangat kisah saya dengar untuk bulan Jun. Segala kejadian yang berlaku, semua ada hikmahnya. Setiap yang berlaku itu ada sebabnya. Janganlah kita ditanya kenapa. Jika ditanya, maknanya kita tak redha dengan apa yang berlaku. Walaupun perit, ujian hidup perlu kita hadapi. Memang perit, memang sakit, memang tak da orang yang akan mengerti selagi mereka belum menghadapinya. Belajar dari kesilapan dan kesalahan. Kita diberi mata dan akal untuk menilaikan sesuatu. Buatlah keputusan dengan seadil-adilnya. Apa yang terjadi kita jadikan sebagai iktibar. Memang sebagai manusia, kita tak bebas dari membuat kesilapan. Tapi jangan lah kita menjadikan itu sebagai satu alasan, tiap kali kita membuat pilihan yang tidak tepat. Ingatlah bahawasanya ini adalah ujian yang datang dariNya. Kuatkan iman, cekalkan hati dan teruskan hidup. Kepada semua pendengar, terimalah lagu ini...

Selamat Tinggal Penderitaan dari IKLIM

Langkah demi langkah
Aku teruskan jua
Masa demi masa
Sampai akhirnya
Terima kasih
Atas penghinaan
Yang kau lemparkan

Tangga demi tangga
Kita daki bersama
Jatuh terluka
Bangun semula
Terima kasih
Atas kesakitan
Yang telah kau berikan

Kerana itu penghinaan
Juga cemuhan
Diganti dengan kepujian
Dan kemuliaan

Airmata menjadi permata
Kebencian menjadi cinta
Inilah hidup di dalam dunia
Bak sandiwara

Selamat tinggal kesengsaraan
Selamat tinggal penderitaan
Terima kasih atas pengalaman
Yang kau berikan

Kini terbukti
Cinta yang kualami
Bukannya mimpi
Lautan api boleh menjadi
Oh! taman salji...

Tekad dari Hazami

Perjalanan kehidupan
Di kiri kanan dugaan Cabaran
Keseorangan menempuh ujian
Meneruskan perjuangan

Takdir Maha Esa
Restu ayah bonda
Mencapai cita-cita
Usah putus asa
Kelak kau berjaya
Membela nasibmu
Masamu kan tiba

Keimanan keyakinan
Sinar cahaya penunjuk haluan
Walaupun payah kau harus tabah
Demi mencapai segala impian

Jika satu ketika
Langkah tidak terdaya
Berkat doa usaha
Tuhan Maha Esa

Menggapai cita-cita

***

Ingat ya, life goes on...

...A tribute to my Mother...

2004-06-27T11:07:00.000+08:00

Mom SMSed me and asked me whether she can tag along with me to settle the car thingy with the owner of the car. I just don't want to get her involved. I've troubled her a lot. Oh Almighty, please help me. I don't want to trouble her further.

From the beginning of my life, she had given birth to me. She fought for her life just to push me out. Then came my childhood, I think I had posted enough chaos for her, with my naughtiness and willful-headed. She relented to me most of the time. Mothers, they have this soft nature, even though they are angry at us, they still relent to us, no matter what. After all, we are their children. Then came my teenager years, lucky for me, I'm not a rebel. I followed her instructions dutifully. Studied, got into a tertiary institution and earned myself a diploma. Helped her out financially, when my beloved dad passed away when I was 17, was never a chore. I truly treasure and cherish her sacrifices. I appreciate every single bit of her sweat that she toiled while bringing my siblings and me up till I am what/who I am now.

My first breakup that I faced, was such a big blow to me. 6 years of sacrifices,sweet memories and sweat went to drain just like that. Washed off to the big ocean. She was there. My mom, my pillar. Although she kept blaming me for causing the breakup, but she sided me when she got to know he already had someone in mind when he broke up with me. She was there all through out and I gained back my confidence; I regained myself all over again. My family was home every night, just making sure I'm not doing anything silly to myself, even though I won't. Mom was there to give me moral support. I'm not weak, it is just that I'm not strong enough to face the world yet. Losing your dad and your sweetheart at the same time, was hard to swallow. But I managed to get through it.

Now, my second breakup that I'm facing now. Although it is a mere 10 months, the time,energy and effort gone wasted. But I know there is a blessing in disguise. Friends that I thought were friends, left me to settle the car accident's mess by myself. Yes, it is true, I told them not to pay if they don't have the money. Sad to say, heard one went shopping. I want settle everything by myself when I realised I can't practically trust no one. Lost trust in someone who I thought and claimed to be responsible. I take responsibility for my own actions. This trip was initiated by me. The car I got it by myself. I take the blame. I learned to be responsible since my Dad died. Mom is still here by my side. Now she wants to go through the shit and mess with me. I don't want to trouble her further. And that is why I kept the problems to myself, Mom. Coz I've given enough heartaches to you. I'm so ashamed by myself. I'm so ashamed to face her. Thank the Lord, I was borned a woman. Able to take emotional pains just like that. Able to experience childbirths. Able to cry at any time to let the bottled feelings out.

Just take a look at my Mom, at the age of 40, lost her husband to a brain tumour, managing 4 schooling children at the same time and relatives turned their back against her. How STRONG can a woman be? She's my IDOL. She is one of the strongest woman I have ever seen, and thus she inspires me. No obstacle is too hard to overcome. Praise to the Almighty, she brought up her children gracefully. First 2 daughters are already working their asses off to support the family. The last 2 are still struggling at school, but they'll get through in no time.

Mom, I've loved you before and I still do. Thank you for all the efforts and sacrifices done. I thank the Lord, that you are still here with me. Believe in me, I can overcome anything, be it good or bad. Just trust in me. And I know you do. Thank you, Mom... *sniffs*

Discovery Channel

2004-06-26T09:38:00.000+08:00

*LOL*

Wow, you can't believe what I have discovered!

Hmmm, tell you what, I let you people discover it yourself...

First of all, all the things happened in my life really proved something. I've discovered a few things that I'm laughing my ass off now. I've discovered that "Jangan cakap lepas" saying, is so TRUE! Some of us are proving what we are when we say we are not. "I don't wanna be a jerk", but he ended up being one. *LOL* Well, God works in mysterious ways. "I don't like taking someone else's bf/gf." and they end up doing that. *LOL* They are eating their words, right in front of everyone! Some said, "I'm different from the rest of the men", but he proved himself to be in the same clique with the ones I resent most! "What? She wears hijab and she did that on a date?", but the one saying didn't realise she had stooped lower in the next few months to come and she's wearing hijab too. *LOL*, please pardon me, but I can't help it. It's so funny.. You are a funny man! "I'll be there to go through the shit together. We are still friends.", but nobody called me and asked me how I'm getting through the shit alone. I mean, I still have a residential line and ooopss, how about email? Funny, how human reciprocate to the environment and situations. They said a thing and do another. Are they victims of circumstances or mere plain ignorant to do what they are supposed to do in the first place? I can't find the answer, but how I wish I can say its the latter. I've discovered few days ago, that I have to and indeed, like I expected, I have to go through this FARKING SHIT alone. I know I can't trust anyone, and even if it means my BLOODY NEIGHBOUR! TRUST NO ONE! This is what malay saying is,"Kawan ketawa ramai, kawan menangis satu pon tak de." I also discovered doing sacrifices and out-of-goodwill thingies, won't get you anywhere. Nobody appreciates what you have done for them. Nobody cares for others except for themselves. To think, I've thought of each and every single person whom I know, so as to make life easy for them. Oooopss, hehee, I've made life hell for some, since I loved and indulged in making faces. *LOL* Funny, how lame can a reason for breakup be? Back to topic about appreciation. "Yes, I do appreciate your wonderful sacrifices.", but.. hmm.. what had been done on your end? I can't help but laugh! Pardon me again, my fellow readers, but I just can't bloody help myself. Seeing these people alive, just forcing me to die of laughing. Can I call them two-faced human? Or a member of the Cakap Lepas Anonymous? *LOL*

Hate me? Love me? I don't give a farking care. My advise to you little ones, go and sit in a corner of the room, search yourselves and think about what you have done so far. These are my mere thoughts, friends. Let's go back to the right path, come little ones.And I don't like to gossip... *LOL*.. Am I another member of CLA? Nay, just being plain sarcastic...

Can I believe this?

2004-06-24T18:00:00.000+08:00

Got from MizCoolwater's blog...

How to make a NourleChams

Ingredients:

1 part success

3 parts silliness

1 part instinct

Method:
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Serve with a slice of emotion and a pinch of salt. Yum!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Can I trust this?

... Kenangan Tinggal Kenangan ...

2004-06-24T14:21:00.000+08:00

Tadi lunch sorang², bertenggek kat tangga japs.. amek nafas.. hehe.. Aku ternyanyi sorang².. Feeling konon aku... Then teringat aku lagu² zaman kebahagiaan aku dalam karaoke room dgn si Dia.. ceh~

These are the songs yang selalu menusuk kalbu aku bila si Dia nyanyi...

Srikandi Cinta Ku by Bloodshed

Dingin malam tirai kenanganku
Menyerlahkan sekurun ingatan
Tercsiptalah rimba kehidupan
Percintaan dalam perjuangan

Kesetiaan sebagai bekalan
Bisikan penuh pengharapan
Tiada garis dapat memisahkan
Segalanya kudratMu Tuhan

Alam bagai mengerti
Segala yang terjadi
Embun menitis panas simpati
Pertemuan tiada awal akhir

Perutusan berdarah ku terima
Gugur kuntum di tengah halaman
Medan ini kurasakan sepi
Terpaku pilu

Ku semaikan pepohon kemboja
Yang bunganya adalah hati ku
Semadilah dalam kedamaian
Semangatku tetap bersamamu

Kan kuusung oh! jenazah cinta
Semadikan nisan kasih suci
Semangatmu tetap bersamaku
Selama pasti

Debu malam meragut kenangan
Menyedarkan dari lamunanku
Percintaan dalam perjuangan
Kau abadi Srikandi Cintaku

Puisi Cinta by Ilusi

Suaramu...
Gemersiknya bak buluh perindu
Cuba kau lagukan
Cuba kau dendangkan
Mengisi di ruang kamarku

Senyummu...
Menusuk dan membelai di kalbu
Cuba kau ukirkan
Cuba kau pamerkan
Menjadi hiasan hidupku

Tiada terkata
Seindah bahasa
Nak ku huraikan
Nak ku belaikan dirimu
Akan ku syairkan katamu
Akan ku madahkan janjimu
Menjadi coretan gurindam
Puisi cinta...

Akan ku ukirkan senyummu
Akan ku lukiskan tawamu
Menjadikan susunan warna
Potret indah...

Senyummu...
Menusuk dan membelai di kalbu
Cuba kau ukirkan
Cuba kau pamerkan
Menjadi hiasan hidupku...

Untuk Mu Sayang by Febians

Keindahan pelangi adalah
Keindahan wajahmu sayang
Yang sering bermain di mata
Hatiku ini

Keharuman bunga kasihku
Hanyalah untukmu sayang
Bagaikan pantai dan lautan
Takkan terpisah

Kasih sayangku ini
Hanyalah untukmu
Kutelah berjanji
Kaulah yang satu
Dalam hatiku ini
Untuk selamanya
Oh sayang
Oh.. Oh..
Untukmu sayang

Haaiizzzz.. cair beb... hahaha

Then bila aku kenang balik apa yang dah terjadi, aku teringat lagu ni plak...
Sing it to the tune of My All (Mariah Curry)

Segalanya by Liza Hanim, Siti Sara, Sitikus, Ning dan Misha

Ku mentafsirkan
kelemahan dan kesilapan
adakah tertanya
dariku mungkin sebaliknya
ataukah waktu merubahkanmu
hingga terkeliru

Kuberikan emas intan dan permata
bukan kaca
kilau tiada berharga
tetapi sayangnya
kau terpukau lupa segalanya
yang pernah kita ciptakan
semua (sebuah) ini...

Tiada bertepi
atau terlintas di penjuru hati
untuk kau kembali
menyambung mimpi kian punah
sungguhpun payah
biarpun terubat segala-galanya

Rindu sungguh kenangan manis... Tapi kenangan tinggal kenangan... *NUMB*

It is a cruel world... Heartless...

2004-06-24T09:44:00.000+08:00

heart·less adj. : Devoid of compassion or feeling; pitiless.

Ok, let's do some imagining exercises. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and imagine the world is full of heartless people. Chaotic, right? War everywhere, for the people who are craving for power and ruthless enough to end other human beings' lives.

Frankly, throughout my journey in life, I do experience HEARTLESS people. Even though, I encounter these people again and again, yet I'm still in denial. I told a friend before. I might still be a 5 year old child trapped in an adult body.. Hehe, I want to think that I'm an adult.. Anyways, like I've said I'm in denial because I want to think that EVERYONE is nice and angelic, even though you have to agree that some of these walking jackass are better off dead. And because of this perception that I have, I have not learnt my lesson well, I guess. Because I want to think everyone is STILL an angel. Recent incidents happened made me realise that my perception is not TRUE. It is just a mere delusion to blind my poor eyes. But, will I learnt it?

But then again, people might have a reason for being heartless. Well, you have to agree with me. It could be that because of the experiences that they have, they learnt it and vowed not to have any compassion if such things happen again. As for me, I can't do that; I'll be heartless. Did I say heartless? *roll eyes*

There is an advantage to being HEARTLESS; the heartless humans won't feel the pain next time when it happens. The disadvantage is, other fault-finding maniacs will have misconceptions about you.

I'm one of the fault-finding maniacs.. But I can't help it. I'm just a human.. hehe.. Another lame reason...

Kembalikan Cinta Ku...

2004-06-12T05:59:00.000+08:00

Hadirlah Kembali

Titisan airmata membasahi pipi
Disambut sayu bayu dingin
Berdiri sendiri di lautan sepi
Menunggu kehadiran seorang kekasih

Tika ini dibelenggu rindu
Tiada yang mengerti hati ini
Aku memujuk hati yang pedih
Menangis sepi sendiri lagi

Hadirlah sayang
Hadirlah kembali
Kehidupanku tiada erti lagi
Bisa yang ditanggung teramat sangat
Pulangkan cintaku yang kau bawa pergi

Tiada lain.. kecuali engkau...

2004-06-11T00:06:00.000+08:00

Hanya Engkau

Bagaikan kelkatu yang mengurungi
lampu ketika hujan,
Begitulah juga cinta dan kasihku
berputik tika kau muncul dalam hidupku...

Tidak pernah ku impikan seorang insan
yang luhur dan sejati seperti kau
Tidak pernah juga ku angankan
seorang seperti kau hadir di sini...

Sayang,
Lautan mana yang tiada pasang surutnya...
Pohon yang mana yang tiada keguguran bunganya...
Begitu juga percintaaan yang mana yang tiada pertelingkahannya...

Ku akui cintamu hebat
Ku akui engkaulah yang untukku
Kembalilah sayang
Kembalilah kasih
Tidak akan ku tukar ganti
Tiada yang lain
Hanya kau terkecuali...

Give me back my light, please...

2004-06-10T15:39:00.000+08:00

The Light

The light ever came once
The light ever shone my life
The light id not gold or bronze
The colours emitted are all so right

The light showed me love
The light taught me passion
Made me believe I can have it
Made me comprehend I own it

Just one fine day, the light dimmed
Never again it shone brightly
Never again I can have it
Never again I own it

Jangan pergi.. Jangan tinggalkan daku

2004-06-09T23:37:00.000+08:00

Jangan Kau Pergi

Dengan tangisanku, kau melangkah pergi
Dengan hati yang berat, aku tidak merelakan
Tetap jua kau berlalu,
Meninggalkan aku...

Mudah sungguh kekata yang kau lafazkan
Mudah sekali kenangan manis kau lupakan
Aku payah menelan semua,
Terkapai-kapai aku keseorangan...

Telah ku pinta diampunkan
Berulang kali juga aku merayu
Tetap kedegilanmu menidakkan rayuanku

Bukalah pintu hatimu sayang,
Menerima cintaku buat kali ini
Sesungguhnya, aku masih kasih
Masih cinta kepadamu...

Dead... Yet Alive...

2004-06-07T17:57:00.001+08:00

DEAD

I'm dead
As far as I can see, I'm doomed
Lost my only love, my only sweetheart,
And I'm staring blankly in a corner of a room

I'm dead
As far as I can see, it's my entire fault
Being over-sensitive is my mistake
Somebody, please lock me up in a vault

I'm dead
Didn't know to love a person is to let him go
Even though it hurts, it pierces, it stings
Feel like diving into a burning volcano

I'm dead
I begged, I pleaded, I cried
Asking for another try, just one more try
Yet, I was refused and cast aside

I'm dead
Yes, my eyes are still not dried
I hope they bleed and I die
And won't feel the burning agony in my heart
I know everything will be fine
That is if I die

No... Not Again...

2004-06-05T12:40:00.000+08:00

It rained again

It rained again
The raindrops gave me the creeps
Shivers seeped slowly like poison ivies
Infusing trauma in every pores on me

Could have been hospitalized
Could have been paralyzed
Could have been laid to rest
But with God's will, we are still alive

Thought my eyes were going to be shut neat
Thought I'm never going to see my family
Thought I'm going to lie still beside my darling
Thought I'm going to meet The Almighty

With Lord's power and will
Second chance was given to breathe
Was that meant to unlock our eyes
Be grateful to Him and never stray from his sides?

Nevertheless, terrifying scenes kept replaying
In this petrified cranium of mine
Can never sleep in peace
Can never be left alone
Can never hear the horns
Will never want to experience the swerving again
Can never... Will never...
It will never be the same again

I thank u my Lord for my existence now
Trying my best to make amends
Guide me if I ever go wrong
Would not want anything to piss you off

It rained again...

Remorse crept in ... injecting grieve in me ...

2004-04-12T18:52:00.000+08:00

Her Silent Wailing

Somewhere in this universe,
Someone, somebody might be weeping in silence,
Relenting to the fate that has been bestowed,
Is it her fault that her soulmate is the one chosen?
Is it her fault to be alone when she's frangible?

Anemic, delicate and inconsolable she feels,
Numbness seeps like a venomous toxin,
Questioning herself what she did to deserve this,
Not knowing where the answers have been.

Barbarous and sadistic words are hurled upon,
With all might and strength she dragged on,
How long will the abuses last?
If only she can adjust the past.

Nevertheless, life is a journey,
Long road ahead of her,
Forced to succumb to desperation,
Pondering when peace and serenity will rescue her,
Can she withdraw from this hell outburst?
Can she cling on any longer?

No one, no soul, no heart
Will ever comprehend the emptiness and despair,
Alone shall she complete the journey,
Till the last heavenly breath

Jangan ditangisi pemergianku...

2004-02-17T13:53:00.000+08:00

Salam ku yang terakhir

Jiwa dibanjiri kesedihan
Meraung sakit yang tak sudah
Tiada orang yang memahami
Suratan takdir harus ku sahuti

Setiap detik dan saat ku genggami
Dengan penuh syukur kepada Illahi
Bilakah masa ku kan tiba
Untuk ku mengadap Dia

Hari berganti hari
Aku menjalani hidup ku ini
Tiada yang tahu
Tiada yang mengerti
Sengsara dan beban yang aku alami

Terima kasih kepada semua
Yang selama ini bersama ku
Maafkan kesalahan ku
Maafkan kesilapan ku
Halalkan makan dan minum ku

Satu hari nanti aku akan pergi
Mengadap Dia, pencipta ku
Dan aku akan terus menunggu
Hari ku yang akan tiba nanti

Why do I feel this way.. I hate it!

2004-01-14T16:51:00.000+08:00

This Heart

This heart is beating so fast
This heart had a bleeding past
When will this heart get a rest?
Away from all the redundant mess...

This heart is not lonely
This heart is definitely not empty
But why does this heart weep?
What makes this heart drip?

I've told this heart time and again
Don't weep, don't cry, don't wail
But this wretched heart won't listen
It kept sniveling for no reason...

I've lost it... I'm a gone case...

2003-12-13T10:49:00.000+08:00

My Lost Confidence

No orange hues
Just a grey sky
Mourning for the loss
The loss which is mine
Once the precious jewel
Was kept in this safe
Away from all the obstacles
Away from all the hardships
Unpropitious unfortunate
The jewel was lost
Can I acquire it again?
Can once more the jewel be obtained?

It is dreadful... I'm tired...

2003-12-08T12:10:00.000+08:00

Dread

The blooming soulful flowers wilt,
Limping by the fence they bleed
Given no hope given no bliss
There they shall stay weak

Bruised and fatigue the flowers will be
Cries of aid weren't heard by any
Heaps of hopes have been pinned
Yet the meek flowers stay sinned

Once joyous and merry are the flowers,
Blushed with rainbows of delicate colors
Now the flowers shall be cursed
Stay limped and jinxed till you are acquitted

Thank the lord, it's a dream... It wouldn't happen, right, Lord?

2003-12-05T19:44:00.000+08:00

One of the causes of Philophobia

There I see you standing
Thought I am imagining
But it set me thinking
It could be you I'm seeing

Hail, someone please hit my head!
Isn't the shirt she's wearing
The one I bought for your big break?

Should have smacked myself hard
For falling to your disguise
Can't believe it is happening
Right in front of my eyes

Anger and loath is what I have
Weren't you the one who said
"I'm different from the rest"?

Oh Lord, it is you all along
Again the joke is on me
How long has this been going on?
Is this what you call loving me?

A deafening shriek pierces my ears
And I find myself on my bed
Thank God, it's just an incubus
Can I withstand if it's as real as the dream that I get?

Oh Almighty, give ear to this prayer of mine
Keep these dismal delusions away from my eyes
Thwart all notions that have been dwelling in this adamant skull
For I hold dear to my sugar pie.
Wouldn't want anything detrimental to blemish this divine bond
Wouldn't want to stand there and gape when he is being hold
Him being hold by another dame, would only bleed my poor soul
Armor this love my Lord, for he is the one I love most.

My Oath To You, Abang...

2003-12-04T12:20:00.000+08:00

A love oath for the dearest

Believe me when I say it is you
Baby, You should know it is true
Remember when I confessed that I want you?
Remember when I declared I'd fetch the sun and the moon?

Trust in me when I say I'll wait
Let it be years, six, seven or eight
No doubt it is hard to prognosticate
Have faith we'll grow old together someday

Be assured, be certain, and be convinced
That this ardent devotee will not take leave
No detour, no swerving, and no deviating
I'll be here still and within your reach

Do not question my rupturing love
Do not harbor suspicion for my dedication
Relinquish the rancid past of ours
Let's work on the present and the future

I've told you before my love,
Here in me, lies u
No matter what happen, this stays true.
Till Doomsday, this is my love oath to you,
You are my honeybunch, my paramour,
My Romeo, my spark, my sweetheart,
My turtledove and my valentine,
Wherever you go and whatever you do.

Daaaddd... I'm lost without you...

2003-11-22T14:17:00.000+08:00

Ayah

Takbir bergema di pagi raya
Hati ku sebak teringatkan dikau
Teringat aku akan kenangan dulu
Dimana aku beraya bersama mu

Memang lucu waktu itu
Kenakalanku menjadi amarahmu
Tetapi kau tetap menyayangiku
Kau tetap memaafkan kesilapanku

Kini ku terasa kehilangan kau
Tawa dan suaramu tiada lagi kedengaran

Walaupun berat kaki ku melangkah
Walaupun tak sanggup ku memikul bahu ini
Aku akan tetap menempuhi kehidupan

Setiap titisan air mata yang mengalir
Bagaikan menghitung setiap detik
Ku teringatkan dikau

Oh Ayah,
Semoga kau dicucuri rahmat
Dan ditempatkan disisi orang orang yang soleh

Al-Fatehah...

Yes, in my heart... There is only you...

2003-11-08T19:44:00.000+08:00

Here within me

Here within me
Lies you...
Lies your love...
Lies your passion...

Never have I known a love
So warm...
So sweet...
So gentle...

Never have I imagined
Being loved...
Being caressed...
Being embraced...
With such sentiment

Here within me
Lies you...
Lies me...
Lies us...
Lies our devotion...

Alahai... Rindunye...

2003-09-22T13:55:00.000+08:00

RINDU

Di sini ku termenung sendiri
Menanti kehadiranmu kekasih
Gelisah menyelubungi diri ku
Adakah ini dinamakan rindu?

Gerak geri ku jadi tak menentu
Fikiran melayang teringatkan mu
Jiwa resah jantung berdebar
Mengapa kau sahaja yang berligar?

Rindu... oh rindu
Penyakit menular yang tak dapat dibendung
Terpaku aku disini sampai tercangkung cangkung
Rindu... oh rindu

Tersentak ku pabila orang menegur
Malu sendiri aku dibuatnya
Lalu tersenyum mengingatkan dikau
Adakah kau merasa begitu jua?

I got him... He's MINE, Ladies... Sorry!

2003-09-22T13:38:00.000+08:00

Someone Like You

I wished for someone
Who is able to make me feel good,
Make me feel like a princess,
Make me feel my best.

I wished for someone
Who is smart and funny,
Who is able to converse intellectually,
Who is not afraid being silly.

I wished for someone who is loving always,
Who is not afraid to express
His feelings deep inside there.

I wished for someone,
Someone just like you.
And guess what darling..?
My wish came true.

Yes , someone like you...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ABANG !!!!!

2003-09-01T19:42:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday

Before you came I was dazed and confused
I thought I could never be loved again
Then you appeared out of nowhere
And my life took a sudden change

If not for your SN
If not for your pick up line
I guess I will never know
The feeling of being on cloud nine

Here I am writing this
Not to prove or to please
This is how I am feeling
And this is how I express it

They said patience is all I need
And happiness will eventually sips in
I thought it was all a figure of speech
I'm glad it is actually happening

Indeed, short is the time we've been
Indeed, long is the road we have to travel
But do believe what I have for you is real
Nothing seems to be impossible

Thank you for all the love and care
I thought I could never get
Thank you for the times spent
Be it good or bad
I will not promise I'll love you for the rest of your life
But you can be assured I'll love you for the rest of mine
Happy birthday Abang
May our love last

Insya allah.. amin...

Yes, it is him that I wanted all along !

2003-08-14T16:49:00.000+08:00

I Want You

I'd give my everything to have you here with me
To stare at your face
To be lost in your embrace
To listen to your every word
To be able to hold you always
To catch the smile that's always seems to find its way to my heart
To catch the eyes that make me tingle all over
Am I asking for too much or am I falling in love?

I'd fetch the sun if that is what it takes to get you here
I'd fetch the moon too, if that is what required of me
I'd do anything baby
Yes, anything just to make you near me

I wouldn't want anything else in the world,
Anything but you , my dearest hunnie.

Sayu... Pilu...

2003-07-11T17:49:00.000+08:00

Sunyi

Hujan turun membasahi bumi
Aku masih disini menanti
Bilakah kasih kan kembali
Berputik di hati buat kali ini

Sudah lama ku merasa sunyi
Luka di hati hampir pulih kembali
Siapakah yang mampu mencuba
Mengubati hatiku yang terluka

Sudahkah aku mampu menerima
Cinta yang luhur dan murni
Dari insan baru yang hadir
Di dalam hidupku ini

Setitik demi setitik hujan turun
Bagaikan menghitung setiap doa-doa ku
Ya Allah,Ya Tuhanku , ketemukan ku dengan si dia
Bukakanlah pintu kamar hatiku
Agar dapat menerimanya

Cengkerik yang berlagu ketika malam
Bagaikan menemani ku beradu
Tetapi kenapa tidurku tidak selena dahulu
Adakah sunyi yang ku rasa ataupun
Cuma aku sahaja yang memuja si dia

I feel so blessed

2003-06-03T17:18:00.000+08:00

I hate you!

I hate the way you smile,
For your smile is so sweet,
I can't deny

I hate the way you cringe your nose whenever you feel stressed,
The cringe that makes me feels
Having you so blessed

I hate it when you stare in my eyes,
I feel so shy, so blushed
And all these I can't hide

I hate it when u start acting silly,
That silliness makes me feel
You're nearer to me

I hate the way you make me missing you every night,
The feeling comes without warning,
And it makes my gloomy nights bright

I hate how you make me feel when I'm with you,
I flustered, I stuttered, I'm stumped for words,
I feel like a damsel lost in the woods of love,
I'm not me and that's all I know,
But one question I can't find the answer at all,
Why are the hatreds I have for you make the affections in my heart grow?

Sebab aku ni seorang WANITA !!!

2003-05-28T10:02:00.000+08:00

Adakah Kerana Aku Seorang Wanita

Adakah kerana aku seorang wanita,
Kesabaranku adalah kelemahanku?
Engkau di sana mengecapi bahagia,
Sedikit pun luka yang ku rasai ini,
Engkau tak endah,
Malah engkau masih mampu mengurat
Sekuntum senyuman...

Adakah kerana aku seorang wanita,
Engkau sanggup melafazkan janji janji palsu?
Apakah aku harus menunggu bulan jatuh ke riba?
Apakah aku harus terus menunggu?

Adakah kerana aku seorang wanita,
Aku harus diperdayai?
Rupa rupanya titisan air mata
Yang pernah membasahi pipimu dulu,
Adalah air mata buaya...
Ya!Air mata buaya!

Adakah kerana aku seorang wanita,
Aku mampu menanggung beban ini?
Engkau sepatutnya di-anugerahkan piala,
Ternyata lakonanmu sememangnya handal.
Aku termakan kata kata manismu,
Sesungguhnya lidah itu tidak bertulang...

Adakah kerana aku seorang wanita,
Aku harus redha pada takdir?
Sesungguhnya kelemahan ku banyak,
Aku tak mampu menanggung seksa,
Aku rela engkau pergi,
Pergilah engkau dari lubuk hati ini,
Seperti yang ku katakan dahulu,
Aku redha...

Adakah kerana aku seorang wanita?